


start a riot

by bramgreenfeld



Series: somebody to someone [2]
Category: Rise (TV 2018)
Genre: (sort of?), Abuse, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Continuation, Family, Feelings, Fix-It, Friendship, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Making Out, Minor Character Death, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-05
Updated: 2018-10-28
Packaged: 2019-06-20 04:36:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 33,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15526185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bramgreenfeld/pseuds/bramgreenfeld
Summary: “It feels like I’m on the edge of a cliff,” Jeremy said. “And I’m too far gone to move away. All that I can do is let myself fall and whatever happens…well, it happens.”or, what happens after the curtains close, from jeremy’s perspective.





	1. will you take my hand?

**Author's Note:**

> it's time for season 2 folks! i hope you're ready because i'm sure not!!  
> should you have read somebody to someone before this? probably but it's up to you  
> title and all chapter titles from start a riot by BANNERS

**zach stop you’re gonna get in trouble** _ (9:02): Please come take these flowers there are So Many of them _

Jeremy didn’t see the text until later, but he saw Zach sending it from across the lobby. The crowd was much thicker than he expected it to be, the room filled wall-to-wall with people, not only family members of the troupe but also students at Stanton High, and some people that Jeremy didn’t recognize at all. Jeremy saw Lexi with her sister, Francis with his mom, Anabelle with her parents.

He didn’t see Simon anywhere.

“Hey!” Jeremy turned, seeing Zach pushing through the crowd. People seemed to clear away from him, wanting to avoiding being trampled by the six foot eight basketball player making his way through the lobby. Before Jeremy could even respond, Zach crushed him in a hug. “You’re fucking amazing.”

“Yeah, I am,” Jeremy choked out. “I also can’t breathe.”

Zach let go of him. “Shit, sorry.” He held out the bouquet of flowers he was holding. “These are yours. They’re from Aldi, so they’re not, like, quality flowers, but…”

“It’s okay,” said Jeremy, taking the bouquet and holding it to his chest. “They match my personality. Slightly wilted.”

Zach pointed at him. “Hey. No self-deprecating jokes after a performance like that. Seriously, dude. I  _ told _ you. I told you that you were crazy talented. And here you are, proving me right.”

Jeremy’s face flushed. He wasn’t used to this kind of attention. “Thanks.”

“It’s the truth,” said Zach. “I’m taking you out for ice cream after this. I want to talk about your scene with you-know-who.”

“Oh my  _ god, _ Zach,” Jeremy started, but was interrupted by a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to face Anabelle.

“Hey,” Anabelle said, then looked up at Zach. “Hey, Zach.”

“Anabelle!” said Zach, with all the enthusiasm of a golden retriever puppy. “You were awesome, you know?”

“Thank you!” said Anabelle. She was smiling, and looked as if she had been for a while. She looked back at Jeremy. “Mr. Mazzu wants to talk to us in the green room. Jolene said it seemed pretty important.”

Jeremy nodded. “Okay,” he said. “Zach, I’ll meet you at the car.”

“Got it,” said Zach. “See you soon.”

“See you,” said Jeremy, then turned to leave with Anabelle, heading down the hallway. He didn’t even stop to wonder what Mr. Mazzu might be about to tell them. How much it might change everything. 

***

Mr. Mazzu and Ms. Wolfe were standing at the front of the room, Mr. Mazzu’s face drawn and serious. Ms. Wolfe kept sneaking glances at him, as though she too was in the dark about what he was about to tell them. The troupe sat on the ground in front of them, a single unified body. Jeremy’s head was on Anabelle’s shoulder, and Simon had sat down quietly on the other side of him, not saying a word. Every time that one of them moved, their hands brushed against each other’s, but Simon didn’t seem to care enough to move. Jeremy glanced over at him. He looked tense, even more tense than he had before the show. 

“Great job tonight, guys,” Mr. Mazzu was saying. “Really. I am so proud of each and every one of you.”  _ There’s a catch,  _ Jeremy thought. There had to be a reason for Mr. Mazzu to look so stressed out. “But…” He sighed. “There won’t be any more shows. Not this weekend, at least.”

Ms. Wolfe jerked her head up, a scowl on her face. Sasha spoke before she could. “This weekend?” she asked. “What about next weekend, or…”

“I don’t know,” said Mr. Mazzu. “I’ll try and get things cleared up over the next few days, okay? We’ll meet up in the auditorium on Monday after school and I’ll tell you everything. I promise.”

Jeremy felt Simon move next to him. He looked over to see him standing up, walking out of the room. Jeremy barely thought about it before going after him. 

He found him in the dressing room, pacing back and forth. “Hey,” Jeremy said softly, closing the door behind him. “Are you okay?”

Simon paused, looking up at him. His eyes looked glazed, his hands shaking at his sides. “Do you realize what that just meant?” he demanded. 

Jeremy shook his head. “What do you mean?” he asked.

Simon sighed. “We weren’t supposed to do the original show,” he said. “Superintendent Lewis was here, he saw the whole thing. So did Principal Ward. They’ve already shut down Spring Awakening, and there’s nothing stopping them from shutting down Stanton Drama for good!” 

Jeremy stopped dead, staring at Simon. He couldn’t be right. He  _ couldn’t.  _ “You don’t know that,” he said. 

Simon shook his head. “What else could it be?” he said quietly. Hopelessly. 

Jeremy took a few steps closer until he was right in front of Simon. He reached out, his hand brushing against his again. He expected Simon to move away, but he caught Jeremy’s hand, intertwining their fingers. “Everything is falling apart,” he whispered, his voice shaking. “Stanton, my family, Lilette…” He stopped speaking suddenly, not meeting Jeremy’s eyes. He was shaking, Jeremy realized. “I couldn’t go out and talk to them,” Simon continued after a moment. “My family, I mean. My mom texted me and asked where I was, but I…I never responded, and she just went home with my dad and sister. And now I just can’t stop thinking about going home and facing them, and I just…” He shook his head furiously, a single tear falling from his eye. “I’ve never been so scared in my life,” he whispered. “And I hate it.”

Jeremy moved his other hand up to rest on Simon’s shoulder, then, before he could stop himself, pulled him into a hug. Simon made a muffled noise of surprise but didn’t pull away, leaning his head on Jeremy’s shoulder, just over his heart. “It’s okay to be scared,” Jeremy whispered into his ear. “It’s okay to _ feel _ , Simon. But what’s not okay is that someone made you think that it isn’t.” Simon was crying harder now, and Jeremy let go of his shoulder, running a hand through the other boy’s hair. He hesitated for a moment before pressing his lips to Simon’s forehead. 

Time seemed to slow around them, the world going silent. Jeremy wasn’t sure how long they stood there in each other’s arms. It felt like they were the only two people in the world, and Jeremy almost wished that that were the case, that they could just run away from all of the expectations, all of the eyes constantly on them, and just be alone together. 

But then they heard the muffled voices coming from the hallway, and instantly sprang away from each other. 

The shoulder of Jeremy’s hoodie was soaked with tears. Simon turned away, wiping at his eyes. “Sorry,” he said.

“Don’t be,” Jeremy replied. “I’d offer to let you stay at my place tonight, but…”  _ I don’t think that’s the best idea.  _ He shook his head. “If you really want to get away from home tonight,” he said instead, “my brother and I were going to go get ice cream later. You could come with us, if you want.”

Simon shrugged. “I don’t want to intrude -”

“Trust me, you’re not. He won’t mind. I don’t mind.” Zach would probably be glad to see Jeremy getting closer to Simon. He could practically hear him talking about his new brother-in-law. “If you don’t want to you don’t have to, but…”

“No,” said Simon. “I - I want to. Thank you.”

Jeremy smiled. “Anytime.”

***

**You** _ (9:29): hey can simon come with us? _

**zach stop you’re gonna get in trouble** _ (9:30): HOLY SHIT DUDE _

**zach stop you’re gonna get in trouble** _ (9:30): GET SOME!!! _

**You** _ (9:31): it’s not like that don’t be weird _

**You** _ (9:31): is that a yes _

**zach stop you’re gonna get in trouble** _ (9:31): OF COURSE IT IS _

***

“No offense,” said Simon, “but that looks disgusting.”

Jeremy grinned, poking at the bowl of ice cream with his spoon. “Don’t judge. Maybe you’re just boring.”

“There are so many toppings, it literally looks like it’s about to fall over!” said Simon. As he spoke, a single gummy bear tumbled off of the top of the top of the ice cream, landing on Jeremy’s lap. Simon laughed, really laughed, for what seemed like the first time that night. “See? Proving my point.”

“Zach and I had a bet when we were younger,” said Jeremy. Zach was waiting inside of the restaurant while Jeremy and Simon sat outside, alone in the silence of the night. Zach had said that he didn’t mind, but Jeremy knew that he would be making at least a dozen jokes about third-wheeling as soon as Simon was gone. “Every time we got ice cream, we would compete to see who would get the most toppings and actually eat it. I won when I was nine and I put three packets of pop rocks on top of mint chocolate chip ice cream and he just gave up. I’m not sure whether I do weird flavors now because I’ve actually started liking them or just to spite him.”

“You guys seem really close,” Simon said. “You and Zach, I mean.”

Jeremy nodded. “Well, yeah. He’s probably my best friend, I feel like I can talk to him about anything. Especially since -” He shut his mouth.  _ Whoa, Jeremy. No oversharing tonight. _

“My younger sister - Emma - and I are like that,” Simon said. He frowned suddenly. “At least, we used to be. I have no idea what my dad is telling her about me now.” His shoulders slumped, and he looked away from Jeremy, out at the night sky. Jeremy opened his mouth, wanting to say something, anything, to comfort him, but Simon cut him off. “You know how I told you that Mr. Mazzu said to do whatever version of the scene I’m comfortable with?” Jeremy nodded. “Well, I’m comfortable with - with you.” Despite the darkness, Jeremy could see how hard Simon was blushing. He was sure that his own face was just as red. “But I can’t help thinking…” He shook his head, a humorless laugh escaping his lips. “I can’t help thinking that everything that’s happening is some sort of payback, you know?”

Jeremy frowned, tilting his head so that he could see Simon’s face better. “What do you mean?”

“I mean…” Simon sighed. “My whole life, it’s been hammered into my head that being… that having feelings for you would be a sin. And now that I do, and all this is happening with my family and the troupe...I feel like that’s somehow my fault.”

“Hey.” Jeremy reached up and touched Simon’s face, turning his head so that their eyes could meet, just as he had on stage.  _ Was that really only a few hours ago?  _ he thought. It felt as if days had passed. “None of this is your fault.” Simon shrugged. “I mean it,” Jeremy insisted. “The world isn’t against you for this. I promise.”

“The world might not be,” said Simon, his hand coming up to cover Jeremy’s, “but my family is.” He went silent for a moment, just staring at Jeremy’s face. When he spoke again, his voice had dropped lower, quieter. “I can’t give you what you want, you know. We can’t tell anyone about...about us.”

Jeremy shook his head. “Simon, that’s not what I want.” 

Simon’s face fell. “Then what -”

“I mean, I don’t need to tell people,” Jeremy said. “I don’t care who we tell or don’t tell. I just…” He leaned forwards, his forehead brushing against Simon’s. Their lips were inches away from each other. “I just want to be with you,” he whispered.

A slow smile spread across Simon’s face, a breathless laugh leaving his lips. Jeremy couldn’t help but smile back, intertwining his fingers with Simon’s and lifting his hand to kiss it. Simon leaned his head on Jeremy’s shoulder, and they just sat there, not talking, just holding onto each other, breathing. Jeremy felt as if a puzzle piece had been fitted into place, like the sun had finally come out from behind a cloud. Here it was. Here was this thing that he had been waiting for. The boy who he would hold up the sky for was right here beside him, and he wouldn’t trade it for anything.

***

“See you Monday,” Jeremy said as Zach pulled up to Simon’s house. 

“See you,” said Simon. He hesitated, and then brushed his hand against Jeremy’s, just enough that he would know that it wasn’t a mistake. Jeremy stared after him as he walked up the driveway to his front door, fumbling with his key before opening it. He looked terrified. Jeremy wished that he could do something, take Simon far away from here or just be there with him. 

“So, are you two a couple now, or something?” Zach asked.

Jeremy leaned his head against the window. “Or something,” he replied.

Zach grinned. “You’re not very subtle, you know,” he said. “It’s pretty clear that  _ something  _ happened between you two tonight. And I don’t just mean on stage.”

Jeremy rolled his eyes, but couldn’t stop himself from smiling. “Just drive.”

The ride was silent until about five minutes from the house, when Jeremy couldn’t force himself to stay quiet anymore. “Is it okay if I stay at the hotel with you again?”

He didn’t look at Zach when he spoke, but he could hear the frown in his voice. “Yeah, of course. That’s fine.” He said nothing for a moment, then - “What are you going to do when I go back to New York?”

Jeremy crossed his arms. “The same thing I’ve always done, I guess,” he said. “I can survive for another two years.”

“It’s not about  _ surviving _ , Jeremy?” said Zach.

“Then what else am I supposed to do?”

Zach didn’t respond. Jeremy turned, glancing out of the window. His reflection looked back at him, his face drawn and serious. Jeremy reached up, brushing his bangs off of his face, staring at the jagged scar on his forehead. He looked away quickly.

He and Zach didn’t say another word to each other until late that night. Jeremy was laying down on the pull-out couch, his thoughts racing with everything that had happened that day. He was sure that Zach had fallen asleep, but he heard his voice echoing from the other side of the room. “I’m staying in New York after I graduate,” he said, “as I’m sure you assumed. You could move in with me there this summer, if you wanted.”

Jeremy sat up, looking over at Zach. “That’s what you want me to do, isn’t it?”

“I won’t force you to,” said Zach. He was facing away from Jeremy, towards the wall. “But honestly? Yeah, it is. I think it would be best.”

Jeremy laid back down, turning away from Zach and closing his eyes. “It feels like I’m on the edge of a cliff,” he said. “And I’m too far gone to move away. All that I can do is let myself fall and whatever happens…well, it happens.”

He could hear Zach shift, turning around. “What do you mean?” he asked.

“I mean I don’t know,” said Jeremy. “If you asked me a few months ago, I would have said yes in a heartbeat. But now there’s so much happening. Everything is changing, and I’m…”  _ I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing yet. I’m not sure if I want to change, too. _

Zach was silent for a moment. “Just think about it, okay?” he asked.

Jeremy nodded, even though he knew Zach couldn’t see him. “I think I’m falling asleep,” he said. “Good night, Zach.” 

But he didn’t fall asleep. He stayed awake for hours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> recommended listening: new kid - sean grandillo | born to be yours - kygo, imagine dragons | if my heart was a house - owl city  
> come talk to me on tumblr (@glorioussimon)!!


	2. like a ship into the storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Look at me when I talk to you,” she said. “And do not lie to me.”
> 
> or, jeremy's secret comes out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry  
> abuse tw from "He looked up and felt his heart stop." to "His sneaker got caught on a crack on the sidewalk and he stumbled, crashing to the ground." and discussion of abuse from then until the end of the chapter

**zach stop you’re gonna get in trouble** _ (3:02): Headed back to New York, hope everything goes okay at the meeting and that you have a good day! _

**You** _ (3:03): thank you _

**You** _ (3:03): also has anyone ever told you that text like a dad _

**zach stop you’re gonna get in trouble** _ (3:04): I do have two sons. You and Microwave _

**You** _ (3:04): *mikey _

**zach stop you’re gonna get in trouble** _ (3:05): Blocked _

“Hey,” Anabelle said, sitting down next to him on the stage.

Jeremy looked over at her, shutting his phone off. “Hi,” he said. He jerked his head at Mr. Mazzu, deep in conversation with Ms. Wolfe in the front row of the auditorium. “What do you think his announcement is?”

Anabelle shrugged. “I don’t know, but I hope that we get to do the rest of the shows,” she said. “My aunts were pissed that they were cancelled - they were supposed to come see it yesterday. Why, what do you think?”

Jeremy frowned, remembering Simon’s theory.  _ He couldn’t be right,  _ he told himself.  _ He couldn’t.  _ But with every second that ticked by, Jeremy found himself growing more and more apprehensive. “I’m not sure,” he said out loud, “but I don’t think it’s anything good.”

Anabelle opened her mouth to respond, but was cut off by Mr. Mazzu standing up and clapping his hands to get their attention. “Hey, guys,” he said. He was clearly trying to sound casual, and completely and utterly failing. “Everyone have a good weekend?”

“I think that we would have enjoyed it more if we were actually doing the show that we spent three months rehearsing for,” said Gwen. Her statement was met with murmurs of agreement from every corner of the room. Jeremy spotted Simon sitting next to Lilette on the edge of the stage, his knees pulled up to his chest and his shoulders hunched. He hadn’t said a word.

Mr. Mazzu sighed. “Guys, I’m so sorry. I really am. But…” 

“Stanton Drama is being shut down,” said Ms. Wolfe, standing up to join him. “Friday night was our last performance.”

Jeremy’s blood seemed to freeze in his veins. He stared down at the floor, the only thing he could hear the beating of his heart in his chest.  _ He was right. He was right. He was right.  _ He felt Anabelle’s hand on his shoulder and glanced up at her. She wasn’t even looked at him, her eyes fixed on Mr. Mazzu and Ms. Wolfe. She looked as if she didn’t want to believe it. “Why?” she whispered, breaking the silence that had fallen over the troupe.

“Superintendent Lewis, he gave a lot of reasons,” Mr. Mazzu said helplessly. “Budgets cuts being one -”

“Bullshit.”

Jeremy turned his head so quickly that he could feel his neck crack. Simon was glaring at Mr. Mazzu, his hands curled into fists on the stage. Lilette, next to him, had put her hand on his shoulder. “Simon…” she said softly.

Simon cut her off. “That’s complete bullshit!” he snapped. “If budget is such an issue, then - sorry, Robbie - then why the hell do we pour so much money into sports? I’m pretty sure that we don’t need a jumbotron!”

“No, go off, dude,” said Robbie.

Simon turned back to address Mr. Mazzu and Ms. Wolfe. “It seems pretty clear why this is happening,” he said. “It’s because a few people complained - Principal Ward included - and Lewis was freaked out by the thought of this reflecting badly on  _ him.  _ So we have to suffer for it. And you’re just going to let him.” Simon blinked rapidly, and Jeremy could see the tears in his eyes. He wished that he could hug him.

“Simon, that’s -” Ms. Wolfe started to say, but she was cut off by the sound of the auditorium door slamming open. Jeremy assumed that it was Maashous, who he’d expected to be at the meeting from the beginning.

He looked up and felt his heart stop.

“ _ Jeremy! _ ” he heard his mother yell. “Get down here  _ now! _ ”

Mr. Mazzu turned to face her, as did most of the others in the room, but Simon looked back at Jeremy. Their eyes met for the first time that afternoon. Jeremy didn’t know what Simon saw in his face, but upon seeing Jeremy, Simon looked almost afraid.

“Ma’am?” Mr. Mazzu said into the silence. “I’m sorry, we have a meeting in progress…”

“Save it,” she snapped. Mr. Mazzu frowned, his eyebrows drawing together. “I need to speak with my son.”

And then every eye was on Jeremy. He felt as though he was shrinking, his breath seeming to rattle in his chest. “Mom,” he said. “I…”

She shook her head. “Uh-uh. Get down here. We’re talking face to face.” 

Jeremy felt Anabelle’s arm tighten around him. “Are you okay?” she whispered. “You’re shaking.”

Was he? He couldn’t tell. He nodded. “Yeah. I’ll be fine.” He stood up, quickly making his way off of the stage and through the rows of seats.  _ The sooner you talk to her, the sooner it will be over.  _ “Can we go out into the hallway?” he said when he reached her, trying to speak quietly enough that no one else would hear him.

She shook her head, reaching out and grabbing his wrist. Jeremy felt as though his throat was closing up. “No,” she said. “We’re talking right here.” She spoke louder than him, and Jeremy was sure that everyone could hear her. He could feel every eye in the room on him, and they felt like they were burning. He heard Mr. Mazzu and Ms. Wolfe trying to call everyone to attention, but it sounded as though they were a million miles away.

Jeremy’s mother continued speaking. “Where the hell were you this weekend?” she growled.

She squeezed his wrist tighter, and Jeremy flinched. “I was with Zach,” he said, not meeting her eyes. 

“Look at me when I talk to you,” she said. “And do not  _ lie _ to me.”

Jeremy stared back at her. “I’m not lying,” he said. “Zach was here this weekend to see the show, I stayed at his hotel room -”

He should have seen it coming, but instead, before he even felt it, he heard it. That too-familiar crack of skin against skin. He had barely even registered it before his mother was shoving him backwards, her hand on his shoulder as his back hit the wall, hard. “ _ Don’t. Lie. To. Me. _ ” Her words sounded ten times louder than they actually were, although Jeremy wasn’t sure if they were amplified by her close proximity to him or simply by his own fear. She was clearly waiting for a response, but Jeremy couldn’t speak. He couldn’t move. He couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t breathe,  _ he couldn’t breathe _ -

“Let go of him,” a voice said. Ms. Wolfe. Jeremy hadn’t even seen her move. He had just blinked and she was there, striding towards them. 

Jeremy’s mother glanced over at her. “This is between me and my son,” she snapped. Her grip on Jeremy’s shoulder loosened, and he was barely thinking about it before he was flinching away, darting out of the auditorium. He didn’t stop running,  _ couldn’t  _ stop running, until he was outside, the cold air making his face sting even more. His sneaker got caught on a crack on the sidewalk and he stumbled, crashing to the ground. He didn’t bother to get up once he got there. 

Jeremy felt a shiver go down his spine as he sat up. He hadn’t gotten a chance to grab his hoodie before he got outside, and he hated himself for it now. He pulled his knees to his chest and rested his head on his legs.  _ Breathe. Breathe.  _ But he couldn’t stop thinking about it. He couldn’t stop thinking of the eyes on him and his mother, of Ms. Wolfe’s face as she spoke to her, of Simon looking at him when his mother walked in. His breath hitched and his fists clenched, scraping against the pavement.

“Hey,” he heard a voice say softly. He knew who it was, he knew exactly who it was, but didn’t turn around. 

Simon sat down next to him, taking off his hoodie and handing it to Jeremy. “Put this on,” he said.

Jeremy shook his head. “No,” he said quietly. “You’ll freeze.”

“Jeremy, you’re shivering. Take it.” Jeremy frowned, but took the hoodie, putting it on. It smelled like Simon. Jeremy felt his breathing even out slightly. 

“I don’t want to talk about it,” he said.

Simon nodded. “Okay.” He was silent for a moment, then added, “Is it okay if I sit here?”

Jeremy hesitated. “Yes,” he said finally. He didn’t look at Simon. He hadn’t since he had come outside.  _ He knows now. He knows everything. Everyone does.  _ The thought wouldn’t leave his head, repeating over and over in what seemed to be a never-ending mantra. He felt his breath catch in his throat.

“Are you okay?” he heard Simon ask him. There were so many different meanings to that question. So many things that he could be asking. But they all had the same answer.

“No,” Jeremy whispered. “No, I don’t think I am.” There was a numb feeling spreading over his entire body, and he cast his eyes down towards the ground. He wouldn’t cry. He wouldn’t cry. 

Silence, and then - “Jeremy?”

“Yeah?”

“Is it okay if I touch you?”

Jeremy’s brows furrowed, his eyes narrowing. “Why?”

“I just - I kind of want to hug you right now.”

For the first time, Jeremy looked up, meeting Simon’s eyes, studying his face. There were still traces of that fear from earlier, of the anger, of the sadness. But there was something else there, too. Jeremy wasn’t sure what it was yet. But it was something real, something true. “Yes,” he said, so quietly that he wasn’t even sure if it had come out of his mouth. 

He first tensed when he felt Simon’s arm around his shoulders, but soon relaxed into his grip, wrapping his arms around his waist. He was painfully aware that he was still shaking. Simon didn’t say anything. Neither did Jeremy. They didn’t need to. Jeremy buried his face in the other boy’s shoulders, closing his eyes. He just breathed, breathed Simon in, let him run his hands through his hair and hold onto him, keeping him steady. 

“Boys,” a voice said from behind them. Jeremy was surprised when Simon didn’t let go of him, instead turning to face Ms. Wolfe. She came forwards to kneel in front of them. Jeremy didn’t,  _ couldn’t _ look up and meet her eyes. “Jeremy, are you alright?” she asked softly.

Jeremy was about to say that he was fine. It was what he always did, after all. But the words seemed to get caught in his throat. Instead he simply shrugged, letting go of Simon. He glanced upwards briefly, feeling his heart sink at the sight of tears clinging to her eyelashes. “Is my mom gone?” he asked her.

She nodded. “Yes. Yes, she’s gone.” She took a deep breath before speaking again. “If it’s okay with you, Mr. Mazzu and I want to ask you some questions. Is that alright?”

Jeremy felt his entire body tense up at the thought of it. “Yeah,” he said anyway, not sure what else he could do. “Yeah. That’s fine.” 

Ms. Wolfe nodded. “Meet us in the office, okay?”

“Okay,” said Jeremy. 

As soon as she was gone, Simon reached up, brushing a stray hair off of Jeremy’s face. Jeremy leaned into him, wanting to feel Simon’s touch for just a few more seconds. “Are you sure?” Simon asked him. 

Jeremy didn’t respond to the question. “Will you stay with me?” he asked instead. 

He expected Simon to refuse. But he responded without seeming to even have to think about it. “Always.”

***

“Has this happened before, Jeremy?” Mr. Mazzu asked him. 

Jeremy was sitting on the couch in the office, Simon next to him. They didn’t touch, couldn’t touch, but just having Simon there made him feel less afraid. “Yes,” Jeremy replied. “N-not as much anymore, but when I was younger, right after Zach - my brother - left for college...it happened a lot.”

“What exactly...happens?” Ms. Wolfe said. No one had actually said the word ‘abuse’, or even ‘parents’ yet. Jeremy wasn’t exactly sure how to feel about it.

He shrugged. “What you saw is pretty much the extent of it.” He felt the urge to push his bangs off of his forehead, revealing the scar. “This is from...last week, I think? My mom….I was pushed. I hit my head on a cabinet.” He could feel Simon staring at his head, and forced himself to ignore it.

Ms. Wolfe leaned forwards, looking closer at it. “That looks serious,” she said.

Jeremy shook his head, letting his bangs fall back down to cover it. “Not really,” he said. “Michael’s mom said that it was fine.” 

Mr. Mazzu frowned. “Michael’s mom knows about this?”

_ Shit.  _ He hadn’t meant to reveal that. “His whole family does,” he said quietly. “I - I didn’t mean for them to find out. After I cut my head I was bleeding a lot, I didn’t feel...I didn’t want to go home. I was just wandering around. I had no idea where I was, but it turned out to be in front of their house. I didn’t know what to tell them other than the truth.” 

“Does anyone else know?” Ms. Wolfe asked.

“My brother, Zach. And now…” A shudder went through Jeremy’s body. “Everyone. You can’t tell anyone, you can’t let the rest of the troupe tell anyone. Please, this can’t spread, no one else can know…”

“Jeremy?” He felt Simon’s hand on his shoulder, and let out a shuddering breath. He met Simon’s eyes. “Breathe,” Simon said. “Please, breathe. No one is going to tell.” He looked over at Mr. Mazzu and Ms. Wolfe. “Right?”

Mr. Mazzu spread his hands. “Jeremy, I’m not sure if this is the best thing to do.”

“Please,” Jeremy whispered. “It’s only two more years. I can survive for two more years.”

“It’s not about surviving,” said Mr. Mazzu. Jeremy was reminded of when Zach had said that exact thing Friday night, and the decision that Zach had asked him to make. He felt his throat seize up. “But…” He sighed. “We can talk about it later. Where are you staying tonight, Jeremy?”

Jeremy shrugged. “Probably just in my car.” He couldn’t go home, not now.

He had barely finished his sentence before Ms. Wolfe spoke. “No, you’re not doing that,” she said. “I’ve got space at my house. You can stay with me.”

Jeremy shook his head. “No way,” he said. “I don’t want to intrude.”

“Jeremy, you’re  _ not  _ intruding,” Ms. Wolfe said. “I don’t want you to put yourself in danger because of this. Please.”

Jeremy shrugged. Suddenly, all of the fight went out of him. “Okay,” he said quietly. “Should I go get my things, then?”

“I’ll get it,” said Simon.

“No,” said Jeremy. “I’ll go with you.” Simon hesitated. “Come on. I can do this.” Finally, Simon nodded, standing up. Jeremy followed after him, hoping that his hands weren’t shaking as much as he felt like they were. He felt like his stomach was in knots.

The hallways were empty, and Jeremy stopped suddenly, leaning against one of the walls. Simon noticed, turning around and facing him. “Hey, are you okay?”

Jeremy shook his head, staring at the floor. “No,” he said quietly. His voice sounded hoarse, choked. 

Simon reached out, grabbing Jeremy’s hand and running his thumb over his knuckles. “On Friday you told me that it was okay to feel,” he said. “And now I’m telling you that.” He reached up, touching Jeremy’s cheek. “It’s just us,” he breathed. 

Jeremy couldn’t stop the first sob from escaping his mouth. He covered his mouth with his hand, staring at the floor, as the tears started to trickle down his cheeks. “It’s okay,” Simon whispered. “It’s okay.” He pulled Jeremy into a hug, just like he had on the sidewalk earlier. Jeremy turned his face into his neck, shivering. His sobbing sounded pained, hollow, and he hated it. Simon moved his hand up, stroking Jeremy’s hair. His lips brushed against Jeremy’s forehead. “I’ve got you,” he whispered.

Even after Jeremy had stopped crying, the pair still stood together, Jeremy clinging to Simon as though he were a lifeline. Simon pulled away, kissing Jeremy’s forehead again. He didn’t say anything. He didn’t need to. And as much as Jeremy wanted to speak, he couldn’t seem to find the words to say.

Simon dropped his hand as soon as they walked into the auditorium. Jeremy kept his head bowed, but he could still hear Michael hiss for the others to shut up as he walked in, could still feel the eyes on him as he picked up his bag, could feel the silence seeming to suffocate him. He glanced up once, meeting Anabelle’s eyes, the expression in them inscrutable. He looked away quickly, lifting his bag onto his back and getting out the door as fast as he could. Simon followed him as he walked towards the school lobby, leaning his forehead against the cool window. Simon reached out, twining his fingers with Jeremy’s. Jeremy pulled him closer, only a breath of space between them. Simon took a deep breath, and then leaned in and kissed him, softly, slowly.

When they separated, Simon was still holding his hands. “What was that for?” Jeremy asked.

Simon shrugged. “I just wanted you to know how I felt,” he said. The sound of footsteps echoed down the hallway, and he dropped Jeremy’s hands, stepping back. “See you soon.”

“See you.” Jeremy watched Simon as he darted out of the lobby, heading back towards the auditorium. His head was a tangle of thoughts, and he reached up, running a finger over his lips.

Jeremy wasn’t sure how long he stood there before he pushed the door open, stepping outside. At some point, it had started to storm, thunder rumbling in the sky. It was hard for Jeremy to tell to tell whether the drops of water on his face were rain or tears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> recommended listening: to the grave - bea miller | last hope - paramore | growing pains - alessia cara  
> come talk to me on twitter (@annileej) or tumblr (@glorioussimon)


	3. sunlight through the haze

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “So,” said Simon. He had moved to stand next to him, just inches of space between them. “How are you feeling about...” He waved his hand towards Gwen and Gordy and the rest of the troupe. “All of this?”  
> There was a lot that Jeremy wanted to say, but he had no idea how to say it. So he just settled for one word. “Hopeful.” 
> 
> or, jeremy and the troupe make a decision.

**Michael** _(7:05pm): hey. are you okay?_

***

 **Jolene** _(7:49pm): are you alright??_

***

 **Clark** _(8:11pm): Hey man, you doing okay?_

***

 **Harmony** _(9:12pm): love you jeremy <3<3<3 _

***

 **Cheryl** _(9:50pm): i’m so sorry that that happened today, you deserve better_

***

 **Violet** _(7:31am): In case I don’t see you today: I hope that you’re alright._

***

 **Francis** _(8:30am): I got the algebra homework for you so Robinson doesn’t screw you over again, I hope you’re feeling okay :-)_

***

 **Simon** _(9:36am): I’m here for you. Always._

***

At first, when Jeremy woke up, he had no idea where he was. All he knew was the sun in his eyes and the soreness in his face and the vibrating of his phone. He blinked once, twice, reaching out to pick up his phone. His lock screen was filled with texts, and he meant to check them, but they disappeared from his mind as soon as he saw the time: _10:49am._

Everything that had happened yesterday instantly returned to his head. He sat up so quickly that he felt dizzy, nearly hitting his head on the arm of the couch. Ms. Wolfe was standing by the door, putting something in her bag. She turned at the sound of Jeremy moving. “Good morning,” she said.

“I have to go to school,” Jeremy said.

She shook her head. “No. You don’t.”

Jeremy nodded. “Yes, I do,” he insisted. “If I miss school they’ll call my parents, they’ll find out -”

“I already reported your absence,” she said. “Don’t worry,” she added at Jeremy’s alarmed expression. “I didn’t say why. The school won’t know anything, and neither will your parents.”

When she mentioned his parents, he could see the barely concealed rage in her expression. Jeremy felt sick. “Still, I should…”

“Jeremy, you look exhausted,” said Ms. Wolfe. “It’s okay to take one day off, alright?”

Jeremy shrugged, tucking his knees up against his chest. “Fine,” he said. He really was tired. It had taken him hours to fall asleep the previous night. Add the nightmares on top of that, and it was like he hadn’t slept at all before waking up again.

Ms. Wolfe nodded. “Good,” she said. She jerked her head towards the door. “I have to head out - text me if you need anything, okay? And put some ice on your face.”

“Okay,” said Jeremy. He closed his eyes, leaning against the back of the couch. It hurt to even move that much. He reached out, picking up his phone and turning on the front camera. He cringed at the sight of the bruise, purple-blue-black and impossible not to notice. He looked down, moving his t-shirt off of his shoulder. She had left bruises there too, in the distinct shape of fingerprints.

The front door closed, and Jeremy was left alone with his thoughts.

There was a bundle of blue fabric on the floor next to the couch, and Jeremy reached out, picking it up. Simon’s hoodie - he hadn’t given it back to him the previous afternoon. He hesitated for a moment, then put it on, pulling the hood over his head. He looked at his phone again, staring at Simon’s text, reading it again and again and again.

Jeremy fell asleep not long after, still wearing the hoodie and still with his phone in his hand. This time, he didn’t dream.

By the time Ms. Wolfe got back he was awake, half-paying attention to some Netflix show on his phone. “Feeling better?” she asked.

“Sort of,” said Jeremy. He stood up, putting his phone in his pocket. “I should probably go.”

She looked at him. “Jeremy, you don’t have to…”

He shook his head. “No, but I _should,_ ” he said. “I shouldn’t stay away from home for too long, that’s why...that’s why Mom showed up at school yesterday.”

He picked up his bag off of the floor, slinging it over his shoulders, and walked towards the door. Ms. Wolfe stopped him, placing her hand on his (thankfully unbruised) shoulder. “Hey.”

Jeremy turned. “Yeah?”

“Any time, _any time_ at all that you need anything, don’t be afraid to talk to me,” she said. “Promise me that.”

Jeremy looked down at the ground and nodded quickly. “Okay. I...I promise.”

She smiled at him, and then pulled him into a hug. Jeremy hesitated, then hugged her back. “Thank you,” he said quietly.

“Anytime.”

Jeremy stepped away from her, telling her that he’d see her at school tomorrow, and walked out to the driveway. His car was still at the high school, but Ms. Wolfe’s house wasn’t too far from it, it wouldn’t be that hard of a walk. He barely made it three steps down the street before slamming directly into Gwen Strickland.

***

Jeremy stumbled back, blinking. “Um, hi?” he said.

“Jeremy, oh my god, we were just looking for you,” Gwen said. She glanced back over her shoulder, as if she were waiting for something.

“We?” Jeremy asked. “Who’s ‘we’?”

Gwen hesitated. “This is hard to explain - technically the entire troupe, but Gordy and I came up with it - the rest of them don’t actually know what we’re doing -”

“This sounds really shady, Gwen,” Jeremy said. He suddenly remembered the bruise on his face and felt his stomach turn. Gwen hadn’t even looked at it, as far as he could tell, and there was no point in covering it up. She knew everything. Yet still it made him feel exposed. He crossed his arms over his chest.

“It’s fine, I promise,” said Gwen. “Come on, follow me.”

Jeremy frowned. “Um, okay.”

She set off down the sidewalk, and, after a moment, Jeremy went after her. There was a minivan parked at the end of the street. “We didn’t want to pull up to Ms. Wolfe’s house because we didn’t want her to figure out what we were doing,” she explained.

“ _I_ don’t even know what you’re doing,” Jeremy muttered. Gwen, hearing him, grinned mischievously, pulling open the back door of the van.

Gordy, sitting in the driver's’ seat, looked back at him. “Hey, man,” he said.

“Hi,” said Jeremy. Gwen wasn’t exaggerating when she said that the whole troupe was there - somehow they’d managed to pack seventeen people into a car that should have fit eleven to twelve people max. “Isn’t it kind of illegal to have this many people in here?”

“That’s what I said,” said Simon. It didn’t even look like he had a seat, sitting on the floor at Lilette’s feet. Actually, more like at Robbie’s feet. Lilette was sitting on his lap. He smiled, just a small smile, when he saw Jeremy.

“It’s also kind of carjacking,” said Violet. “This is my car. Those two -” She pointed at Gwen and Gordy - “took my keys.”

“Hey, it’s for a good cause,” said Gordy.

“I’d believe that if you’d actually tell us what you were doing,” said Violet.

“You’ll find out,” said Gwen. She was smiling that mischievous smile again. “Gordy, drive.”

“Wait!” Jeremy said. “Wait. Where should I sit?”

Jolene grabbed Harmony’s waist, pulling her girlfriend onto her lap. “Here,” she said.

“Thanks.” Jeremy sat down, and was barely able to buckle the seat belt before Gordy took off. He felt Michael, also on the floor, grab onto his leg, trying to steady himself.

“Maashous said you got into a car accident once, Gordy,” Michael said.

“Maashous is a bitch-ass liar,” said Gordy. Gwen shook her head, mouthing “ _You’re right”_ back at Michael. Jeremy wondered if it would be considered rude if he jumped out the window and escaped to safety.

For a while, he didn’t recognize the roads that they were on, but after a while, it started to become clear. Apparently, Jolene recognized them at the same time that he did. “You _aren’t_ ,” she said. She craned her neck, staring out the window. “What the hell are we doing there?”

“Doing where?” Simon asked, starting to stand up before a sharp turn in the road nearly made him fall over. “I can’t see very much down here.”

“Because you’re short, or…” Jeremy heard Lilette say under her breath. He stifled a laugh.

The car finally parked, and they all seemed to fall out of it. “We’re like a clown car,” Cheryl said, leaning against the side of the car. Jeremy laughed for the first time since the previous afternoon. Not once had someone mentioned what had happened, or even taken a second glance at his bruise. Sometimes he forgot how much he loved these people.

Simon glanced up at the building in front of them. “Are you kidding me?” he asked incredulously, looking over his shoulder. “Here?”

“Yeah,” said Gwen. “Welcome to Stanton Steel.”

***

“This is also illegal,” said Simon as Gwen broke the boards off of the windows of the steel mill. “Probably even more than -”

“Shut up, Simon,” she said.

The boards fell to the ground, and she climbed up through the window. Gordy followed after her, leaving the rest of the troupe to stand there on the ground, looking at each other confusedly. Finally, Robbie shrugged. “Might as well find out what they want,” he said. He jumped up, grabbing the edge of the window and pulling himself up into it in what Jeremy thought was the most extra way possible. Eventually, the rest of the troupe came after him.

“Took you guys long enough,” Gwen said. She and Gordy were standing towards the middle of the large room, an empty space where Jeremy assumed that the sign that they had used for the Spring Awakening set had used to hang. He spotted a few beer cans scattered on the ground, likely remnants of whatever stupid teens had come to party here.

“Do you want to tell us what you guys dragged us out here for now?” Sasha asked them.

“We had an idea,” said Gordy. “Regarding the drama program.”

Jolene laughed bitterly, humorlessly. “What do you care about the drama program?”

“Hey, this is my dad’s job,” Gordy said. “And my -”

He stopped himself, looking over at Gwen. “Oh, they’re totally hooking up,” Jeremy heard Jolene whisper to Harmony behind him. He stifled a laugh.

“...some people that I really like are involved with it,” said Gordy. “And it’s bullshit that it was even cut.”

“You’re right. It is bullshit.” That was Cheryl. “This isn’t how I wanted my senior year to end. But what are you going to do about it?”

“That’s what we’re getting to,” Gwen said. She stood up straighter, seeming to stare down each and every member of the troupe. “Mazzu said that they cut the drama program because of funding, right? Well, what if the district didn’t need to fund us? What if we just raised the money ourselves?”

Jeremy frowned, opening his mouth to say something, but someone cut him off. _Simon._ “That’s a lot of money, Gwen,” he said. At the sound of his voice, Jeremy’s head turned instantly, looking straight at the other boy. _Yeah, great job there, Jeremy,_ he thought to himself. _Be a little bit more obvious_. “How would we even -”

“Fundraisers and stuff,” said Gwen.

Gordy nodded. “If the athletics department can do it, so can we.”

“They have money from the school board,” Simon retorted. “We’re _completely_ on our own.”

“ _We_ have money left over from ticket sales. And we’ll sell more tickets. Come on, do you not want to at least _try_?” Gwen said. “You need this as much as I do, Simon.”

Simon went silent, stepping back and crossing his arms. Jeremy would give anything for them to be alone. He would have gone over to Simon, held his hands, kissed his cheek.

“Let’s do a vote,” said Gwen into the silence. “Like Mr. Mazzu did when we were deciding whether to go back to the original show. All in favor?”

Jeremy was the first to raise his hand, not even hesitating, not giving himself a chance to think about it before he did it. Jolene followed him, then Harmony, then Michael, and then the rest of the troupe, one after the other. In the end, only one hand was left down. Simon’s. He turned his head, looking back at Jeremy. It was hard to see his exact expression in the low light, but the conflict on his face was obvious. Simon sighed, then raised his hand, completing the decision.

The room was dark, but Gwen’s smile seemed to brighten it. “Good.”

“So, are we going to tell Mr. Mazzu and Ms. Wolfe, or…?” Michael asked her and Gordy.

“Yeah, of course,” Gordy said. “We just wanted to run the idea by you guys.”

Harmony raised her hand. “And why did that have to happen at the steel mill?”

Gwen shrugged. “We wanted to get us all in the same place,” she said. A mischievous smile spread across her face. “And maybe confuse you guys a bit.” Her statement was met with a mix of sighs, groans, and maybe a few laughs, relieved sounding laughs.

“So, we were thinking of trying to do Spring Awakening one more time,” said Gwen once everyone had quieted down. “Just to show that we’re pissed that they took away the rest of the shows, and because some of our families and friends didn’t get to come because of that.”

Out of the corner of his eye, Jeremy saw Violet turn to Francis, frantically whispering something. He shook his head, saying something back, but Jeremy couldn’t hear them over Clark speaking up. “Anabelle, your cool lesbian aunts that you were telling me about could come!”

Jeremy looked over at Anabelle, who was smiling. She hadn’t even looked at him once all day, he’d noticed. He tried not to take it personally. He tried not to even think about it. But he did.

“So, have we decided?” Gordy asked.

Gwen nodded. “I think we have.”

The troupe dispersed, talking among themselves about what they had just decided on, what was about to happen. “Hey,” Jeremy heard someone say behind him.

He turned around to see Simon approaching him and couldn’t stop himself from smiling. “Hey,” he said.

“So,” said Simon. He had moved to stand next to him, just inches of space between them. “How are you feeling about...” He waved his hand towards Gwen and Gordy and the rest of the troupe. “All of this?”

There was a lot that Jeremy wanted to say, but he had no idea how to say it. So he just settled for one word. “Hopeful.” He reached out, lightly, quickly, tapping the back of Simon’s hand. He hoped that Simon would be able to tell what he meant by it. And judging from the look on Simon’s face, he understood completely.

***

Gordy dropped them all off back in the school parking lot, Violet stealing the keys back from him as soon as he parked. Jeremy couldn’t help but picture what it looked like to someone watching - sixteen kids climbing out of a minivan clearly not meant to sit that many.

He felt a tap on his shoulder as he climbed out of the car and jumped, whirling around. Simon held up his hands. “Sorry,” he said. “It’s just...my mom dropped me off at school this morning. She was supposed to pick me up, but then Gwen and Gordy kind of kidnapped everyone and…yeah. Could I catch a ride with you?”

Jeremy nodded. “Yeah, of course,” he said. Simon smiled, following him to his car. They walked side by side, their hands dangling just inches from each other. Jeremy wanted to reach out and hold his hand, but there were too many lights on in the parking lot, too many people that could see them.

Once they got in Jeremy’s car, Simon reached out, grabbing Jeremy’s hand before he could start the car. “Wait,” he said softly. Jeremy didn’t say a word, only nodded. They watched as the last cars pulled out of the parking lot, the headlights becoming only tiny pinpricks of light as they drove down the road, then disappearing completely. Jeremy felt Simon breathe a tiny sigh of relief next to him. “Okay,” he said. He fisted his hands in Jeremy’s shirt and pulled him into a slow, passionate kiss. Jeremy couldn’t stop himself from laughing, tangling his hands in Simon’s hair.

“Did your mom even drop you off today?” he whispered into the kiss.

Simon smiled, pulling away slightly. “Yeah, she did,” he said. “Just good luck, I guess.” He tugged at Jeremy’s shirt. “Come on. Come over here.” Jeremy maneuvered over the gear shift, straddling Simon’s lap. He kissed him again, starting off sweet but growing hungrier, lips and teeth and tongue. The feel of Simon’s body against his made Jeremy’s head spin. His own hands slipped underneath Simon’s sweater, feeling the heat of his skin against his, and Simon gasped into his mouth, pulling him closer, closer, closer. Jeremy pulled away just slightly, leaning his forehead against Simon’s.

“What are we?” Jeremy asked him, so quietly that he barely heard it himself.

Simon leaned back, a small frown on his face. “What do you mean?”

“I mean,” Jeremy said, reaching out to run his thumb over Simon’s lip. “Are we...dating? Are you my boyfriend?”

Simon’s lips parted, a look that Jeremy didn’t quite recognize coming into his eyes. “I...I don’t…”

Jeremy moved off of him, sitting back in the driver’s seat. He reached out to grab Simon’s hand. “We don’t have to be, you know,” he said. _No matter how much I want it._

Simon shook his head. “No,” he said softly. “I want to be with you. You know that. But…” He sighed. “My dad is hardly ever even home anymore, you know? He’s avoiding me, I know he is. And I know it’s because of...because of _this_. And my family issues are nothing compared to yours, but  -”

“Hey.” Jeremy squeezed his hand. “My problems don’t cancel out yours. You can talk to me about anything.”

Simon glanced down at their intertwined hands, taking a breath. “And I want to,” he said. “I want to talk to you about things. I want to kiss you and not care who’s watching. I just...I want _you_. But I feel like I shouldn’t, you know?” At the last sentence, his voice dropped to a whisper.

Jeremy leaned closer to him. “You deserve everything you want,” he said. “What we have between us isn’t wrong. I promise it isn’t.”

Simon nodded. “I know,” he said. “I know. And I want to be your boyfriend, I really, _really_ do.”

“We don’t have to tell a soul,” said Jeremy. “It can stay right here between us. I just want to be yours, Simon.”

“And I want to be yours,” said Simon. He stared at Jeremy, reaching out to touch his cheek. “Is that it, then?”

“I think so,” said Jeremy.

“Good.” Simon leaned in and kissed him, and Jeremy couldn’t help but smile into it. And then Simon was smiling too, and then it was more laughing than kissing, Jeremy’s hands in Simon’s hair and Simon’s hands on Jeremy’s face. This was it. This was perfection. If Jeremy could freeze time in any moment, this would be it - in the front seat of his car, next to his boyfriend. His _boyfriend._

He knew that he would have to go home soon. But right now, in this one small, perfect moment, he was able to put it out of his mind. When he was here with Simon, he felt like he was already home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> recommended listening: gold dust - BANNERS | we are the kids - WALK THE MOON | next to me - imagine dragons  
> talk to me on twitter (@annileej) and tumblr (@glorioussimon)!!


	4. keep you safe and sound

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I like this,” Simon said quietly. “Being here with you. It makes it feel like my thoughts are quiet for once.”
> 
> or, jeremy overhears some conversations.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there will quite likely be a bit of a break between now and the next chapter, because i'm going to be on vacation for the next ten days and i'm pretty sure that i won't have much time to write. that being said, i am so sorry about this cliffhanger  
> tw for discussion of abuse from "Hey, what's wrong?" to "The drive back to Stanton felt hours longer than the drive to Eagleton."

**You** _(2:33am): are you awake_

 **Simon** _(2:33am): Are you awake?_

 **Simon** _(2:34am): Well, that answers that question._

 **Simon** _(2:34am): I’m glad that I didn’t wake you up._

 **You** _(2:34am): me too_

 **Simon** _(2:35am): Why are you up so late/early?_

 **You** _(2:35am): i asked first you have to answer first_

 **Simon** _(2:37am): It’s nothing big. My parents are arguing and it’s keeping me awake. I didn’t know who else to talk to._

 **You** _(2:38am): exact same story here_

 **Simon** _(2:38am): Really?_

 **You** _(2:39am): yeah_

 **You** _(2:39am): i mean i doubt that they’re arguing about the same things but i get it_

 **You** _(2:39am): my parents hardly ever interact unless it’s to yell at me or about me i don’t even know why they’re still together_

 **You** _(2:40am): sorry that was oversharing wasn’t it_

 **Simon** _(2:41am): No, it’s fine. My parents are arguing about me, too._

 **Simon** _(2:41am): You deserve better._

 **You** _(2:41am): so do you_

 **Simon** _(2:45am): I’m really glad that you’re awake._

 **Simon** _(2:46am): Not that I’m glad that your parents are keeping you up but_

 **Simon** _(2:46am): It’s really easy to talk to you. I feel safe when I’m with you. I like that. Especially now._

 **You** _(2:47am): i think that i might be falling in love with you and i have no idea what to do about it_

**Your previous message was not delivered. Please check your connection.**

**You** _(2:51am): me too <3 _

***

Jeremy had thought that he was the last one at school after the meeting.

The meeting had gone well, he thought. They’d told Mr. Mazzu and Ms. Wolfe what they were doing, and, while at first they’d been shocked, and maybe a little pissed that they weren’t told first, they supported the idea. Loved it, in fact. They’d even managed to get permission from Principal Ward to set their plan in motion - of course, he’d very forcefully told them that they would get no funding from the school district whatsoever, but hey, permission was permission. They’d planned everything out - the show would be Saturday night, and they’d use ticket sales from then to fund their show next year. It felt good to be back here, in the auditorium, on the stage. It felt right. For now, at least for these next few days, Jeremy could forget what waited for him at home and just be happy, or at least something close to it. For once, things actually seemed pretty good.

The question was if they would stay that way. And the sound of yelling coming from the green room seemed to tell him that they probably wouldn’t.

Jeremy knew that he shouldn’t eavesdrop, that he should just go home and forget that he even heard anything. But he felt like his feet were stuck to the ground. He couldn’t tell exactly who it was, couldn’t hear what exactly what they were saying, but it didn’t sound like anything particularly pleasant.

His mind went back to the previous night, the sound of his parents screaming echoing up the stairs and into his bedroom. He hadn’t been able to tell what they were saying, either. He’d only been able to make out one word - his own name. He felt himself involuntarily shiver. _Go away,_ he told his thoughts. He pulled his phone out of his pocket, opening up his and Simon’s texts. He read over them again and again, feeling his breathing even out.

(He skipped over the one that he had sent - or rather, hadn’t. He felt as if he should delete it, but for some reason, he just couldn’t.)

In front of him, the door to the green room slammed open. Jeremy stumbled back, trying hard to seem as if he hadn’t been there the whole time, but Jolene didn’t even notice him, storming off down the hallway. For a moment he just stood there, staring after her. _What the hell was that?_

After a few seconds, he heard someone clear their throat. “You can come in now, Jeremy.” He jumped, turning his head. Harmony was standing alone in the middle of the room, staring down at the floor. She looked small.

“Um, sorry,” Jeremy said, not exactly sure what he was apologizing for. “I didn’t hear anything, I just…”

Harmony laughed, a bitter laugh. It sounded strange coming from her. “It’s fine if you did, you know. I don’t care anymore. And _she_ sure as hell doesn’t.” She leaned back against the couch, her shoulders slumped.

“Are you okay?” Jeremy asked hesitantly. He stepped into the room, closer to her.

She shrugged, not answering him. A moment passed, a moment of awkward silence, before Harmony spoke again. “I think we just broke up.”

Jeremy frowned. “You mean, you and Jolene?”

Harmony nodded. She still hadn’t looked at him once since she’d said his name. “Yeah,” she said. “And I barely even know why.” She sighed, crossing her arms over her chest.

“What do you mean ‘you think?’” Jeremy asked. At the look on Harmony’s face, he knew that he had said the wrong thing. “I’m sorry,” he said. “You don’t need to answer that…”

“No, it’s fine,” Harmony said. _It doesn’t seem to be_ , Jeremy thought, but he didn’t say it out loud. “It’s just...we’ve been arguing _so much_ lately, for the stupidest reasons. It just takes the tiniest little thing to set us off, you know? But this felt so final.” She reached up, brushing a tear off of her cheek. Jeremy wanted to say something, but he had no idea what.

“It used to be so easy,” Harmony continued, speaking quieter this time. “It felt like we could talk to each other about anything. But now it’s...I don’t know. We’re not trying to hide things from each other, we just _are_ . It doesn’t feel at all like it used to be. And I want to be with her, I do, I really, _really_ do. But…” She shook her head furiously. She was really crying now, despite how much she looked like she didn’t want to. Jeremy couldn’t stop himself from walking over to her, putting a hand on her shoulder. She leaned her head on his shoulder, and somehow that fleeting contact turned into a hug. Jeremy didn’t know Harmony that well, but right then, he didn’t care. She seemed to need it.

“I think I might have been in love with her,” Harmony said, so quietly that Jeremy thought that he might have imagined it. He didn’t say anything, just held her tighter.

Yet again, the memory of the text that he had almost sent to Simon the previous night came into his mind, and this time, he couldn’t ignore it.

***

 **Michael** _(7:31pm): hey jeremy, would it be weird if i asked you for a favor?_

 **You** _(7:33pm): i think that i kind of owe you one_

 **You** _(7:33pm): what’s up_

 **Michael** _(7:34pm): so i’ve mentioned how maashous is in eagleton with his mom now, right?_

 **You** _(7:34pm): yes_

 **Michael** _(7:35pm): i feel like he should be here for the show on saturday. not just because we need his help but because he’s as much part of the troupe as any of us. the only problem is neither of us can drive._

 **Michael** _(7:35pm): (don’t make a gays can’t drive joke i’ve heard them all)_

 **Michael** _(7:36pm): so would you be willing to give me a ride there and back thursday after the runthrough? sorry to bother you with it, i’d ask sasha but she has a doctors appointment..._

 **You** _(7:37pm): no it’s completely fine! yeah i’ll do it_

 **Michael** _(7:37pm): great, thank you! see you then!_

***

The drive was only about forty-five minutes long, and it went surprisingly well, Jeremy thought. He and Michael were friends, close enough friends that they actually had things to talk about. It seemed like only a few minutes had passed before they turned onto the back road that seemed as though it hadn’t been paved since before Jeremy was born.

“Are you sure this is the right way?” Jeremy asked Michael.

Michael nodded, looking down at his phone. He had pulled up Google Maps, which seemed to be pointing the two of them right down the road. A few minutes later, they pulled up in front of a small, run-down yet tidy apartment complex. Maashous was sitting on the steps, his chin resting in his hands, staring at seemingly nothing.

“You should honk the horn at him like a fuckboy picking up his date,” Michael suggested.

“Or you could just text him,” said Jeremy. Michael grinned, typing something out on his phone. Jeremy watched as Maashous lifted his head suddenly, picking up his phone from where it rested next to him. He looked over towards the nearly-empty parking lot, where the car was waiting. Jeremy and Michael waved at him, and after a moment of hesitation, he waved back, standing up and making his way down the steps. He climbed into the backseat, and Michael got out and joined him. “Hey,” Jeremy said, craning his neck to meet Maashous’s eyes.

“Hi,” said Maashous. The two of them hadn’t talked much back when Maashous still lived in Stanton, but Jeremy could still tell that he seemed strangely withdrawn. One glance at Michael told him that he also noticed it.

Jeremy started up the car again, pulling out of the parking lot. He could hear Michael and Maashous talking to each other in the backseat, but didn’t pay much attention, not wanting to eavesdrop. The radio played softly in the background, and Jeremy sang along under his breath, tapping his fingers against the steering wheel.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” he heard Michael ask Maashous.

Maashous didn’t respond, but Jeremy heard him shuffle uncomfortably. “Uh, nothing,” he said hesitantly after a few moments had gone by. “Just tired, I guess.”

 _Stop eavesdropping,_ Jeremy told himself. _It’s weird and it’s rude and you’ve done it way too much lately._ But right now, he couldn’t stop himself from listening. Something seemed way too familiar about this, and it sent a chill down Jeremy’s spine.

“Dude,” Michael said softly. “I know you. I’ve known you for a pretty long time. I can tell that something is up.”

There was another long silence before Maashous answered. “It’s stupid.”

“No, it isn’t. Please. You can talk to me.”

Maashous sighed so softly that Jeremy hardly heard it. When he spoke, his voice was just as quiet. “I want to stay with my mom.”

“So?” said Michael. “That’s cool. If that’s what you want, do it.”

“No, you’re not getting it,” Maashous replied. “I’m…” He sighed again. There was a cold feeling spreading through Jeremy’s body. “I’m scared, okay?” He didn’t sound angry, or upset. He just sounded resigned.

“Of what?” Michael asked, sounding concerned.

“I told you about why I wasn’t allowed to stay with my mom in the first place, right?” Maashous asked. Jeremy didn’t hear a response from Michael, so he assumed that he nodded. “That’s what I’m scared of. Of it happening again.”

“Are you saying that she’s still doing drugs?” Michael asked. Jeremy was almost positive that he wasn’t supposed to hear that. He was almost able to force himself to ignore their conversation when Maashous’s words drew him back in.

“I think so,” he said. “I mean, I’m not positive. But I’m scared that if I, I don’t know, cross her somehow when she’s high, she’ll...hit me again. But I don’t want to leave her. I can’t.”

Jeremy reached out, turning up the radio just slightly, not enough to be noticeable, but just enough to prevent him from hearing exactly what Michael and Maashous were saying. He couldn’t listen to their conversation anymore. He just couldn’t.

Jeremy’s thoughts were racing, about Maashous, about his mom, about Jeremy’s own parents. He remembered Zach’s offer from opening night, to let him stay with him in New York. He had an option. He could get out of Stanton easily. And he could - no, he _should_ take it. It hadn’t been long ago that he had thought nearly nonstop about getting out of the town. But now everything felt different. He felt as though he had found his place, and he couldn’t just leave, not now. But every day, when he thought about what was waiting for him at home, he felt sick.

The drive back to Stanton felt hours longer than the drive to Eagleton.

***

 **Simon** _(8:13pm): Where are you?_

 **You** _(8:15pm): just dropped michael and maashous off at michael’s house and i was planning on just heading home_

 **You** _(8:15pm): why_

 **Simon** _(8:16pm): I’m still at school, I just really don’t want to go home. I guess I was just wondering if you were here too, but idk why you would be. Just ignore me I guess_

 **You** _(8:17pm): no i’m on my way_

 **Simon** _(8:17pm): No, you don’t have to come here._

 **You** _(8:18pm): i want to_

“So, what’s going on?” Jeremy asked Simon. They were sitting on the stage, just enough lights still on in the auditorium for them to be able to see each other’s faces. Simon’s head was in Jeremy’s lap, Jeremy running his hand through Simon’s hair. For the first time that day, Jeremy felt relaxed.

“You mean, like, at home?” Simon asked.

Jeremy nodded, and Simon made a face. “You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,” said Jeremy.

“No, it’s okay,” said Simon. “My dad just hasn’t been home a lot lately, you know? I can’t tell whether he’s avoiding me or Mom or both of us, but he’s definitely avoiding something. But I know that he’ll be home tonight. So I guess now I’m the one doing the avoiding.”

“You shouldn’t compare yourself to him,” Jeremy said hesitantly.

Simon shrugged. He was clearly thinking about something, something that was weighing down on him. Jeremy could see it in his eyes. He didn’t push it, instead leaning down to kiss him. Simon reciprocated instantly, knotting his hands in Jeremy’s shirt and pulling him down closer to him. Eventually Jeremy ended up laying down next to him, just inches of space between them. Simon’s hand had moved to rest over Jeremy’s heart. He sighed softly, tilting his head upwards. Jeremy kissed him again softly.

“I like this,” Simon said quietly. “Being here with you. It makes it feel like my thoughts are quiet for once.”

Jeremy nodded. “Me too.” He wished that he could have said something else, something more eloquent, something which more accurately summed up exactly what he felt for the boy next to him, but everything seemed like either too much or not enough.

They didn’t talk for a while after that. Simon had moved closer to him, resting his head on his chest, and Jeremy had wrapped his arms around him. He thought that he might be able to fall asleep right here on the stage, with Simon curled up against him, his thoughts seem to fall silent. He imagined that it might be awkward once school started the next morning, but at that moment, he couldn’t bring himself to care.

The moment was shattered by both of their phones buzzing at once. Simon frowned, sitting up. Jeremy did as well, turning on his phone and looking at the notification that had appeared.

**_Chat: troup chat (troupe group chat)_ **

**Lilette** _(8:59pm): guys, we can’t do the show saturday night._

Jeremy looked up from the screen, glancing over at Simon. The other boy looked just as puzzled as he did. He typed out a quick message on his phone, leaning his head against Jeremy’s shoulder.

 **Simon** _(9:00pm): Why?_

Jeremy didn’t know what he was expecting her response to be, but he was sure that it wasn’t going to be anything good. Yet still, the text that came through made him feel as if he was drowning.

 **Lilette** _(9:00pm): robbie’s mom passed away tonight._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> recommended listening: buzzcut season - lorde | new year's eve - MØ | quarter past midnight - bastille  
> talk to me on twitter (@annileej) and tumblr (@glorioussimon)!!


	5. a diamond in the dust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Do you have any idea what you do to me, Simon Saunders?"  
> or, jeremy spends some time alone with the boy he l****.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhh i'm so sorry about the long wait!! it turns out that it's hard to find time to write in disney world (although i did write part of this at magic kingdom - maybe there's some extra magic somewhere in it?)  
> school starts for me next tuesday! i should be able to get a chapter uploaded before then, but after then updates will probably be less frequent!!

******You** _ (1:32pm): can i borrow that suit that you have in your closet _

**zach stop you’re gonna get in trouble** _ (1:34pm): It’s going to be too big for you, you’ll have to roll up the sleeves like three times _

**You** _ (1:34pm): it’s my only option unless i borrow dad’s and even though he’s not home i don’t think that’s the best idea _

**zach stop you’re gonna get in trouble** _ (1:35pm): Fine _

**zach stop you’re gonna get in trouble** _ (1:35pm): Why do you need it? Are you going on some kind of fancy date with Simon _

**You** _ (1:37pm): i’m going to robbie’s mom’s funeral _

**zach stop you’re gonna get in trouble** _ (1:38pm): ….oh _

**zach stop you’re gonna get in trouble** _ (1:38pm): Isn’t that the kid who played Melchior? _

**You** _ (1:39pm): yes _

**You** _ (1:39pm): i don’t know him that well and i never met his mom but i feel like i should go to support him you know _

**zach stop you’re gonna get in trouble** _ (1:40pm): That’s good of you _

**You** _ (1:45pm): gtg simon’s here to pick me up _

**You** _ (1:45pm): love you _

**zach stop you’re gonna get in trouble** _ (1:46pm): Love you too _

***

Jeremy might have been to his grandmother’s funeral, or he might not have. He was only a few months old when it happened, a year at the most. He couldn’t even remember what her face looked like, only knowing it from pictures and old home videos. He certainly didn’t remember the funeral. He’d never thought to ask if he’d even been to it. 

Simon was quiet when he picked him up. There was an unspoken agreement between the two of them that they would try to stay away from each other at the funeral. They didn’t want to slip up, didn’t want to alert anyone to their relationship. Jeremy didn’t even expect Simon to sit next to him. But he did. He didn’t say a word about it, just glanced over at Jeremy. Their eyes met for only a split second before Simon looked away, yet Jeremy could still see every emotion in his eyes. The fear. The longing.

That was how Jeremy expected for it to go. It was how it usually went when they were in public, anyway. It wasn’t that he minded it - he knew how hard it was for Simon. He knew what could happen to him if they were find out. Of course he wished that it was different. He wished for Simon to be happy, to not have to hide who he was. But right now, that wasn’t a possibility. They just couldn’t be like that. All that they had were those tiny, snatched moments - like after rehearsal on Thursday, and in the dressing room before the show - and all of those sneaking glances between those times. For now, Jeremy was happy with it. He could tell that Simon was too. But what would happen the day that one of them realized that they weren’t?

Jeremy tried not to look at Robbie during the funeral, but at one point, his eyes couldn’t help but drift over to him. He was sitting towards the front, his head turned towards the front of the church, staring at nothing. Jeremy couldn’t see his face from his angle. Maybe that was for the best. His hunched shoulders, his clenched fists, said it all. Lilette was next to him. Of course she was. As Jeremy watched, she reached over, laying a hand on top of Robbie’s. Robbie turned his hand over, intertwining his fingers with hers.

Next to him, something brushed against Jeremy’s hand. He turned his head slightly. Simon didn’t look at him, but Jeremy felt him twine their pinkies together between them. Jeremy turned his eyes back towards the front, but didn’t move his hand. Not a single eye was on them. No one saw a thing. In this place, for this moment, they were safe. They were together. And that mattered more than anything.

***

Simon stopped the car in front of Jeremy’s house, but neither of them moved, or even said a word. They hadn’t spoken since they’d started the drive back home. Jeremy wasn’t sure whether he was glad for it or not.

Finally he reached out, grabbing Simon’s hand. Simon didn’t look at him, but he felt him intertwine his fingers with his. Jeremy’s heart skipped. “I’ll see you Monday,” he said quietly. 

Simon nodded. Jeremy could feel the hesitation in his body when he lifted Jeremy’s hand, kissing it softly. “See you Monday,” he whispered. He looked as if he wanted to say something else, but instead let go of Jeremy, resting his hands back on the steering wheel. 

Jeremy stared at him for a moment, then turned, starting to open the door. The gray clouds that had been present in the sky the entire day had grown darker, threatening to break at any moment. “Wait,” Jeremy heard Simon say just before he stepped out onto the sidewalk. He turned. Simon still wouldn’t meet his eyes. “Would it be weird if I asked to hang out at your place? Just for a little while? I mean, I don’t want to intrude or anything, but right now, being at home…”

“Simon,” Jeremy interrupted him. Simon stopped, turning his head just slightly. “It’s okay. My parents aren’t home this weekend, you can stay here as long as you want.”  _ At least until Monday,  _ he thought. He didn’t even want to think about what his parents would do if they realized that he had had someone over while they were gone. “I don’t mind. Not at all.” 

Simon still looked hesitant. “Are you sure?”

Jeremy rested his hand over Simon’s. “Absolutely.”

Jeremy didn’t move his hand until the last possible second, when he was getting out of the car. He had just set foot on the sidewalk when he felt the first raindrop hit his face. He turned, wanting to tell Simon, but he had hardly moved before the rain started to fall faster, coming down in sheets. Simon, who had just gotten out of the car, looked over at him, shocked. 

“Don’t just stand there!” Jeremy told him. “Come on!”

And then they were running up the driveway, the rain soaking them both through, Jeremy’s hair flopping into his face. At some point, one of them - Jeremy wasn’t sure who - had reached out, grabbing onto the other’s hand. They didn’t let go of each other even after they got inside, their clothes soaked, hair plastered to their foreheads. Jeremy looked over at Simon through his bangs and felt himself laugh for the first time that day. A slow smile spread across Simon’s face, and then he was laughing too, leaning his head on Jeremy’s shoulder. Even after they had stopped laughing they stood there, Jeremy letting go of Simon’s hand to hug him, pulling him closer to him. Simon sighed softly, wrapping his arms around Jeremy’s waist. 

Jeremy wasn’t sure how long they stood there before he pulled away. Simon’s white shirt was so wet that it was practically see through. Jeremy barely managed to tear his eyes away from him. “Um, I have some clothes that you could change into, if you want,” he said. 

Simon nodded. “Thanks,” he said.

They just stood there for a moment, staring at each other, before Jeremy moved. “Right,” he said. “Uh, this way.” He set off down the hallway, leading Simon to the stairs. He realized that Simon had never been to his house - hardly anyone had, actually. When Jeremy entered his bedroom, Simon stopped briefly in the doorway, taking in the room - the blue walls, the posters hung above his desk, the books stacked haphazardly on the shelves.

“Sorry, it’s kind of messy,” Jeremy said awkwardly. “I didn’t expect anyone to be coming over, so…”

Simon shook his head. “Don’t be,” he said. “It just...it looks like you. If that makes any sense.” 

Jeremy wasn’t sure exactly why that made his face flush. He dug in his dresser drawers, pulling out a pair of basketball shorts and an orange and white shirt. “The bathroom is down the hall,” he said. 

Simon took the clothes. “Thanks,” he said. He disappeared out the door. Jeremy put his head in his hands, trying to banish the thoughts of Simon wearing his clothes, and all the implications of it, from his mind. Finally he stood up, picking up some dry clothes out of the drawer and starting to get dressed. 

By the time Simon got back, Jeremy was sitting down on the bed, staring at nothing. Simon sat down next to him, leaning his head on his shoulder. He said something under his breath, so quietly that Jeremy couldn’t hear him. Jeremy turned his head. “What did you say?”

Simon had closed his eyes. “My dad...he didn’t want me to go today. To the funeral,” he mumbled. “He doesn’t want me associating with the troupe at all, actually.”

Jeremy frowned. “Why?” he asked, although he had a sneaking suspicion that he knew exactly why.

Simon opened his eyes, looking up at him. “Because of you.”

Jeremy bit his lip. “Oh,” he said. He wanted to say something else, but he couldn’t think of a single thing that he could say. He could feel the hesitation in Simon’s body when Simon leaned over and kissed him. Simon pulled away quickly, but still sat close enough to Jeremy that he could feel his breath on his lips.

“Everything feels different now,” Simon breathed. “I don’t understand it anymore. How something that feels like this can be a sin. How loving someone can be so wrong.”

Startled, Jeremy flicked his eyes up to meet Simon’s, blue-gray and brown. He knew what he had just said. They both did.

And then suddenly, they were kissing. Jeremy didn’t know who had kissed the other first, all he knew was that he didn’t want to stop. He felt Simon’s body on his, his tongue in his mouth, his hands slipping under Simon’s shirt. It was all  _ so much,  _ yet at the same time, it wasn’t nearly enough. Jeremy detached his lips from Simon’s, moving down to kiss his neck, suck at it. Simon made a choked noise, wrapping one of his legs around Jeremy’s waist and pulling him on top of him on the bed. Jeremy continued down his neck, making sure that he left marks. He wanted Simon to see them later, to look at them and think of Jeremy, remember exactly what they had done. His hands had moved up to Simon’s chest, feeling the heat radiating off of his skin. Simon’s shirt was nearly completely off, and Jeremy reached for the hem of it, meeting the other boy’s eyes. Simon stared at him. “Yes,” he said.

“Are you sure?” Jeremy said softly. He didn’t trust himself to speak above a whisper.

Simon nodded. “Yes,” he said again. “ _ Please _ .” He had barely spoken before he was reaching down, helping Jeremy pull his shirt off. He tossed it somewhere on the other side of the room. Jeremy didn’t look to see where it had ended up, too preoccupied by the sight of Simon, shirtless on his bed. He had pictured it more times than he wanted to admit, and now that it was happening, it didn’t even feel real, not one bit.

Simon reached out for the top button of Jeremy’s shirt. “Your turn,” he said. He tried to undo it himself, but his hands were shaking, the buttons slipping through his fingers. Jeremy batted his hands away and did it himself, pushing his shirt off of his shoulders and onto the floor. He could feel Simon’s eyes seeming to burn holes in him. “God,  _ Jeremy _ ,” he heard Simon whisper before they were kissing again, Simon’s hands in his hair, Jeremy’s hands creeping below the waist of Simon’s shorts. Simon started moving down his neck, his chest, dragging his teeth and tongue against his skin. Jeremy couldn’t hold back the moan that escaped his lips. He felt Simon smile, his mouth moving against his skin. Jeremy tangled his fingers in the other boy’s hair, pulling him back up so that their lips could meet. Jeremy took Simon’s lower lip between his teeth, running his tongue over it. He heard Simon’s soft groan as he flipped them over so that Jeremy was beneath him, pinning his wrists down to the mattress, pressing him into the bed.

Suddenly, Jeremy felt himself seize up. “Stop,” he said, so quietly that he barely heard himself say it. “Stop,  _ please… _ ”

Simon moved off of him quickly, and Jeremy sat up, leaning back against the wall. “Jeremy?” Simon said softly. “Are you okay?” 

He reached out, his fingers brushing Jeremy’s shoulder just slightly. Jeremy flinched away from him and instantly felt guilty. “I’m fine,” he said, trying to assure himself more than Simon. “Just...please, don’t touch me for a minute.” 

He looked over at Simon, relieved when he saw him nod. He moved to sit next to him, making sure to leave space between them. “Do you want to talk about it?” Simon asked him.

Jeremy shrugged. “It’s my parents,” he said, his voice sounding hollow. “They hold my wrists or pin them down when they…yeah. And when you did it, it just...it reminded me of that, you know? And I know that you didn’t mean to, that you would never do anything to hurt me because you’re  _ you _ , but…”

“Jeremy,” Simon said. He held his hand out as if he wanted to put it on Jeremy’s shoulder, but stopped about halfway there, starting to draw his hand back. Jeremy reached out, grabbing his hand before he could move it too far, as if trying to assure himself that Simon was still there. “It’s okay. It’s completely okay. And I’m sorry that I…”

“Don’t be,” said Jeremy. “It’s not your fault, it’s mine.”

Simon shook his head. “Don’t say that,” he said. “None of this is your fault.”

When Jeremy looked at him, he could see the barely-concealed rage flickering in his eyes. He looked away quickly. “Can we just sit here for a while?” he said softly.

Simon nodded. “Of course.” Jeremy hesitated, then scooted closer to the other boy, leaning his head on his shoulder. He wasn’t sure how long they just sat there together, listening to the sound of the rain hitting the roof and feeling the heat off of each other’s bodies. Jeremy almost thought that Simon had fallen asleep when he heard him speak. “Hey, Jeremy?”

Jeremy looked up. “Yeah?”

“You still have my hoodie, right?”

“Yeah, I do.”

“Am I ever getting it back?”

Jeremy almost,  _ almost  _ laughed. “No. Definitely not.”

“Okay,” Simon said. He wasn’t meeting Jeremy’s eyes, instead looking at their intertwined hands between them. “I like seeing you wearing it, anyway.” Jeremy pulled away suddenly, meeting Simon’s eyes. “What?” Simon asked. “What is it?”

“Nothing,” he said softly. “It’s just…” He shook his head. “Do you have any idea what you do to me, Simon Saunders?”

Simon blushed. “If it can compare to what you do to me, than yes, Jeremy Travers. I think I have some sort of idea.” He leaned forwards, stopping just before their lips met. Jeremy made the decision for him, wrapping his arms around his neck and pulling him in for a kiss. They ended up lying down again, facing each other on the bed. Jeremy stole another kiss, this one softer, quicker. Even after they had separated, Jeremy kept his arms around Simon, keeping him close to him. “Can we just stay like this forever?” Simon murmured.

“Until Monday,” Jeremy replied.

“Sounds good.” Simon sighed, leaning his head against Jeremy’s chest. “I’ve never felt anything like this before,” he said quietly, so quietly that Jeremy could hardly hear him. “I’ve never  _ let  _ myself feel anything like this before.”

Jeremy leaned his head downwards, kissing Simon’s forehead. He tried to put everything that he couldn’t say, everything that he didn’t know how to say, into that one action.  _ I feel the same way about you. Thank you for caring about me. I’ll always be here for you.  _ And something else. Something that he wouldn’t even let himself think about.

***

Jeremy didn’t realize that he had fallen asleep until he woke up. He blinked a few times, confused, and nearly moved to stretch until he realized that he wasn’t alone. Simon had fallen asleep in his arms, his head against Jeremy’s chest, his hand over Jeremy’s heart. Jeremy couldn’t help but smile at the sight of him. He looked so peaceful, all of the constant worry present in his face seeming to have evaporated. Jeremy reached out, running a hand through Simon’s hair. Simon murmured something incomprehensible, curling up tighter against Jeremy’s body. He grabbed onto Jeremy’s hand. “Where are you going?” he asked, his words slightly muffled.

“Nowhere,” Jeremy said. “I’m staying right here. Go back to sleep, okay?”

“Okay,” Simon said. His voice sounded almost slurred with exhaustion. Jeremy was willing to bet that he wouldn’t remember this interaction in the morning. He closed his eyes, and, seconds later, Jeremy felt his breathing even out as he slipped back into sleep. 

Jeremy looked over at the digital clock on his nightstand just as _ 11:59 _ clicked over into _ 12:00 _ . A new day. A new start. He sighed softly, moving ever-so-slightly closer to Simon. The other boy didn’t stir. Jeremy looked down at him, taking in his soft hair, his sharp jaw, the peaceful look on his face. It wasn’t just his looks, Jeremy thought. It was his talent. His mind. His heart.

Jeremy felt his thoughts drift back to a few days ago. Another night with Simon, although then, it was only over text. The text that he had typed out with his sleep-deprived mind, the text that hadn’t sent. 

The most terrifying thing about love was how quickly you could lose it. A break-up. A death. Someone leaving you. Simply not feeling the emotion any longer. But that was the big thing about it, wasn’t it? Trusting someone that much? Trusting that they would be there for you for as long as they could, and even if they weren’t there, they still cared for you? 

Jeremy ran his hand through Simon’s hair again. The boy who made him feel things that he’d never felt before. The boy who was always there for him. The boy who he’d trust with anything.  _ I love you,  _ he thought.

But he didn’t say it out loud.

Not yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> recommended listening: supermarket flowers - ed sheeran | let's hurt tonight - onerepublic | animal - troye sivan  
> come talk to me on twitter (@annileej) and tumblr (@glorioussimon)!!


	6. no one left to trust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Who the hell did it?” he said as he approached the table. He had never heard himself sound like this, so angry, so cold. It scared him.
> 
> or, jeremy is betrayed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am SO, SO SORRY for the long wait for this chapter. it was about three-quarters done last weekend and i planned to have it up on monday or tuesday - and then i had pneumonia, which made it difficult to write that last quarter BUT i'm better now and updates should be not as frequent as they were during the summer but more frequent than this lmao  
> tw for panic attacks from "Jeremy shook his head before remembering that Zach couldn’t see him." to "Finally Simon blinked, as if realizing where he was for the first time."  
> tw for discussion of abuse throughout the chapter

**Si <3** _(8:01am): I’m heading home but I don’t want to wake you up. Sweet dreams <3_

***

Jeremy hadn’t been able to get Simon out of his head for four days now. The way that he had grabbed his hand at the funeral. The way that he had smiled at him when they had gotten caught in the rain. The way he kissed him, first his lips, then his neck, then his chest, moving lower, lower, lower…

He shook his head, trying to clear his mind. He hadn’t thought about Simon this much since the beginning of freshman year. That was when his crush had seemed the strongest, for some reason - he barely knew Simon. He only saw him once a day in history class, twice if he was lucky, but he just couldn’t stop thinking about him. Even though he knew that it would never truly become anything real, that he and Simon rarely ever even talked, he couldn’t stop himself from wondering, imagining, sometimes even daring to hope. He had gotten distracted a  _ lot _ in that class.

If he could go back in time a year and tell himself what would happen in the future, he knew that he wouldn’t have believed himself. Maybe that was one of the reasons why he felt so happy now.

He hadn’t looked at Simon all day, but he let his eyes drift to the other end of the lunch table, where the other boy always sat. Simon was laughing at something that someone, probably Lilette, had said. He turned his head, meeting Jeremy’s eyes. His smile widened just slightly, so slightly that you wouldn’t see it if you weren’t looking for it. Jeremy couldn’t help but smile back.

“Hey, Jeremy?” 

Someone tapped his shoulder, and he turned around quickly, his heart pounding. “What’s up?” he asked, trying (and honestly, probably failing) not to sound suspicious.

Anabelle narrowed her eyes, but didn’t comment on it. “I was wondering, did Mr. Mazzu collect the homework last period?”

Jeremy felt himself relax. “Uh, yeah. He did.”

Anabelle groaned. “I thought it was due tomorrow - I haven’t even  _ started  _ it. How am I supposed to finish all fifteen questions before next period?”

“Just bullshit the whole thing,” Jolene suggested from across the table. “What are the chances that he’ll grade it for anything more than completion?”

“No, he never does that. He’ll know. And then he’ll give me that disappointed look all throughout rehearsal…” Anabelle sighed, leaning her head on Jeremy’s shoulder, and he couldn’t help but smile. Maybe he had been imagining it, or maybe he had just been so occupied with other things, other thoughts, lately, but it had felt like she had been avoiding him. Or maybe he had been avoiding her. It was hard to tell. It had started after his mom had shown up at the meeting after school.

He and Anabelle still hadn’t talked about it. He wasn’t sure whether that was a good thing or a bad thing.

“Speaking of rehearsal,” Jolene was saying, “Who’s going to be Melchior, now that Robbie’s...not here?”

“He could still play Melchior,” Francis said. “We haven’t actually rescheduled the show yet, right?”

Violet shrugged. “I don’t think Mr. Mazzu and Ms. Wolfe want to delay the show too much anymore, though. I mean, we were supposed to do it weeks ago.”

“How much are you willing to bet that something’s going to go wrong and it’ll end up delayed again?” Jolene asked. 

Anabelle groaned. “Don’t even  _ suggest  _ that. What else could possibly happen?”

As soon as she had finished speaking, the PA system buzzed above them. “Would Jeremy Travers please come to the office?” announced the secretary.

Jeremy frowned, eyes flicking up to the ceiling. He hoped to hear more, but all that he heard was the click of the secretary disconnecting. “Maybe I’ve been expelled,” he said half-heartedly. “Maybe that’s our next setback.”

“You rocked the boat like Melchior,” said Francis. “Seriously, though. What did you do?”

Jeremy shrugged. “No idea.”

***

“Jeremy Travers, is it?” asked Principal Ward. 

Jeremy nodded, fidgeting in the chair in front of Ward’s desk. He couldn’t think of a single reason why he would be here. The secretary at the front desk hadn’t clarified anything, just looked up as he had come in and sent him back into Ward’s office. He’d never been sent to the principal’s office before. He had no doubt that Ward had no love for him - he seemed to barely know his name, but there was no way that he wasn’t aware of the fact that Jeremy was involved with the play that he vehemently hated. But still, that single fact wasn’t enough to get him called into the office. 

“Do you have any idea why you’re here?” Jeremy shook his head. “So you know nothing about the anonymous complaint that I received about you?”

Jeremy felt a cold feeling spread through his body, forcing himself to keep his face blank.  _ No. It couldn’t be.  _ He looked up, meeting Principal Ward’s eyes. “No,” he said. “What is it?”

Principal Ward leaned forwards at his desk. His voice sounded cool, detached, but Jeremy could see the note of concern in his eyes. “Someone recently submitted a complaint about you, Jeremy,” he said. “Whoever this person may be said that you were facing problems at home. Abuse.”

Jeremy’s stomach twisted. He clenched his fist, fingers digging into the armrest of his chair. “What do you mean?” he asked.  _ Keep your face blank. Look like you don’t know what he’s talking about. It’s a lie, it’s a lie, it’s a lie. _

“I mean exactly what I said,” Ward said. “Someone has submitted an anonymous complaint informing me that you are facing a physically abusive situation with your parents. Now I’m asking you to confirm if this is the truth.”

Jeremy forced a confused expression. “No?” he said. “That isn’t true. I mean, sure, I’ve argued with my parents before, everyone has, but...never to that extent.” 

Ward was frowning.  _ Don’t look scared,  _ Jeremy told himself.  _ Don’t look scared.  _ “I don’t want to say that you’re lying,” he said. “You certainly don’t seem to be. And there isn’t any evidence of this occurring, at least not to my knowledge. But I  _ do  _ have to look into this. It’s my job.” Ward sighed, thinking. 

_ Breathe. Don’t panic. Don’t  _ look like _ you’re panicking.  _

“I’ll tell you what,” Ward said. “If you come into school with any injuries, or if anyone notices any other evidence of this happening, I’ll investigate this further. I’ll email your teachers and tell them to keep an eye out. It isn’t that I don’t believe you, Jeremy, it’s just…”

“Precautions,” Jeremy finished. “Yeah. I know.”  _ Keep your voice level. Pretend everything’s okay. Just hide it, hide  _ everything _.  _

Ward nodded. “Precautions. Exactly.” He was silent for a moment. “You can head back to lunch now, I’m sorry to have pulled you away from it for what turned out to be nothing.”

It wasn’t nothing. It was everything. But Jeremy swallowed, standing up and heading for the door. He paused when he got there, one hand on the doorknob. “Sir?”

“Yes?”

“Who submitted the complaint?”

“I’m afraid that I can’t tell you that,” said Ward. “Even if I could, the comment was anonymous. I don’t know their identity myself.”

Jeremy nodded. “Thank you,” he said. He turned the handle and disappeared into the hallway.

***

He was shaking. He knew he was shaking, and he hated it. He stopped just outside the cafeteria doors, burying his head in his hands and forcing himself to take a ragged breath.  _ Don’t cry. Don’t cry. _

Oh god, he was so screwed. If he made a single slip up, it would all be over for him. Principal Ward would see, his parents would find out, they would  _ kill him _ …

Jeremy made himself stand up straighter, his hands falling to his sides. He took another breath. Then another. Then another. His head was pounding, and he felt almost dizzy with the weight of what had just happened, with the betrayal that he had just faced.

His hands curled into fists. He slowly pushed open the door to the cafeteria.

The troupe was just where they were when Jeremy had left. Still talking, still laughing, still smiling. Jeremy’s stomach turned. He wove quickly through the tables and crowds of students, making his way to them. 

“Who the hell did it?” he said as he approached the table. He had never heard himself sound like this, so angry, so cold. It scared him.

They looked over at him. Usually, Jeremy would be embarrassed by all of the eyes on him, but right now, he was too blinded by fury to care. Harmony was the first to speak. “Jeremy, what do you mean?”

“I  _ mean _ -” He slammed his hand down on the table. He saw Violet flinch and felt a pang of guilt, but couldn’t bring himself to act on it. “ - that someone put something in Principal Ward’s complaint box about me. About  _ my parents. _ ” He blinked rapidly, feeling tears against his lashes.  _ Don’t cry, don’t cry. _ “Who….who the hell would do something like that?” He saw Simon open his mouth, starting to stand up but sinking back into his seat. Jeremy met his eyes, and Simon shook his head.  _ I promise,  _ he mouthed.

Jeremy dragged his eyes away from him, staring down the length of the table. Despite the dull roar coming from the rest of the students in the cafeteria, the room felt almost like it was entirely silent. He could hear his heart pounding in his ears. He felt almost like he was going to pass out, and he grabbed onto the table to steady himself. “ _ Answer me! _ ” he heard himself yell. A few people at other tables started to look over. Jeremy forced himself to lower his voice. “Who. Did. It?”

Yet again, no one answered. Everyone at the table seemed afraid to meet his eyes - that was, except for Simon, who was staring directly at him. Jeremy opened his mouth, wanting to say something else but not quite sure what, but he was cut off. “Jeremy. Stop.” He frowned, looking over at Anabelle. She took a deep breath. “It was me,” she said. “I...I was the one who told him.”

It took a moment for the words to sink in, and even when they finally had, Jeremy still just stood there, staring at her. His best friend. She had always been his best friend. He felt a tear escape his left eye, sliding down his cheek.

“Fuck you.”

Jeremy nearly flinched at his own words. He hadn’t expected himself to go that far. At the table, Anabelle nodded, closing her eyes. She was crying too, he realized. It only made him feel sicker. 

He couldn’t be there anymore. He couldn’t just sit down and pretend that nothing had happened, that everything could just go back to the way it was before Principal Ward had called him in. He ducked his head, turning and moving as fast as he could out of the cafeteria, trying and failing to prevent the tears from falling. 

He ended up in the parking lot. He usually did. But this time, he was alone.  _ Good,  _ he thought. He wasn’t sure if he could handle talking to anyone else right now.

As soon as he had the thought, he felt a tap on his shoulder. He jumped, turning around so quickly that he nearly slammed his head against Simon’s. The other boy leaned back, startled. “Sorry,” he breathed. “Are...are you alright?”

Jeremy frowned, turning away from him and sitting down on the curb. This right was where they had first kissed. He closed his eyes, not wanting to think about it then. “Go away.”

He could feel Simon’s hesitation before he spoke next. “You never answered my question.”

Jeremy shook his head. “It doesn’t matter,” he said. “Please. I just want to be alone right now.” He paused for a second, then added, “If you keep coming after me like this people will start to suspect something, you know.”

Simon had moved to sit down next to him on the curb while he was speaking. He nodded slowly. “You’re right,” he said. “And...if you really want to be alone, then I’ll leave you alone. But you have to promise me that you’ll be okay.”

Jeremy cast his eyes down to the pavement. It would be so easy just to lie. But for some reason, he couldn’t lie to Simon. “I can’t promise you that,” he whispered. “You know that I can’t.”

“Then I don’t want to…”

“God, Simon!” Jeremy yelled finally. He turned away from him completely, not wanting to see the look on Simon’s face. He could feel the tears in his eyes again and blinked furiously. “Please just go away!”

He heard Simon’s sharp breath, but it didn’t even come close to hurting as much as the silence that followed it. “Okay,” Simon said finally. “I’ll go.” He heard him stand up, his hand brushing against Jeremy’s shoulder so slightly that he wondered if he had imagined it. “Text me if you need anything. Please.” Jeremy nodded, not looking up. Simon’s footsteps grew fainter, and then slowly faded away, leaving Jeremy with nothing but the sound of the wind whistling and his own anger and fear. He put his head in his hands, trying to breathe. 

He had no idea how long it had been before his phone started ringing. Half of him wanted to ignore it, sure that it was Simon or Michael or even Anabelle. But he finally picked it up after the third ring, glancing briefly at the screen before answering.

“Let me guess,” he said. “Anabelle texted you.”

“Hello to you too,” said Zach.

“Zach,  _ answer the damn question _ -”

“Whoa,” Zach said softly. “Jeremy, you _ need _ to calm down.”

Jeremy nearly burst out laughing at his words. “Calm down? How am I supposed to calm down right now?”

“You’re right. You have every right to be scared right now,” said Zach. “But you shouldn’t push people away, especially not now. Remember what I told you?” Jeremy didn’t answer, so Zach said it for him. “I said that you don’t have to be alone.”

“It kind of feels like it right now,” Jeremy muttered. 

Zach was silent for a moment, then he said - “It was Anabelle that texted me. It was Simon.” Jeremy looked up, startled, but didn’t say anything. “He really cares about you, you know?” said Zach.

“I don’t think that many people do anymore,” said Jeremy. He didn’t comment on what Zach had said about Simon. He didn’t have the energy for it. 

“Jeremy,” said Zach, his voice quiet. For a moment that was all he said, just his name. “Anabelle told Principal Ward  _ because  _ she cares about you. Because she’s terrified about what could happen to you if you stay in that situation. Just like I am.” His voice dropped lower. “You could end up seriously injured, you know? You could break a bone, or...or worse.”

Jeremy swallowed hard, pulling his knees up to his chest. “Do you think that I don’t know that?” he demanded. “What do you think I’m so afraid of?” No matter how much he tried to hide it, his voice sounded choked, seeming to cut his throat as he spoke. He clenched his fist and, despite knowing that his skin was scraping against the sidewalk, barely felt it. He could hardly feel anything at all. “When they find out what happened, they’re...they’re going to _ kill me. _ ”

“No, they won’t,” Zach said, but he didn’t sound very convincing. Jeremy felt like he was being suffocated, his vision seeming to go white. “And if things get worse with them, you can come stay with me, remember? Have you made a decision about that yet?”

Jeremy shook his head before remembering that Zach couldn’t see him. “No,” he choked out. “I don’t know what to do.” He closed his eyes, but it was too late to hold back the tears. “I’ve never been so scared in my life.”

He couldn’t breathe at all any more. He curled in on himself, resting his head on his knees. Zach was still talking to him through the phone, but he couldn’t seem to hear it. Everything felt cold, suffocatingly so. He choked back a sob.

And then he felt a hand on his shoulder.

“Jeremy?” The voice seemed to cut through the haze. “Jer, look at me.” 

He felt Simon move his hand to run through his hair and lifted his head slowly, opening his eyes. Simon kept moving his one hand, the other coming forwards to grip Jeremy’s. “It’s okay,” Simon said quietly. “It’s okay. I’m right here, I’m not leaving. Just...please, please breathe. Here -” He moved Jeremy’s hand, resting it over his own heart. “Copy me, okay?” He took a deep breath, his eyes not leaving Jeremy’s. “Please. Please.”

Jeremy wasn’t sure how long it took for him to let out a choked breath, and he wasn’t sure how long he and Simon simply sat there afterwards, simply breathing, not letting go of each other. Finally Simon blinked, as if realizing where he was for the first time. “Let’s go,” he said, starting to stand up.

Jeremy frowned. “We have school,” he said. He winced at the hoarse sound of his own voice. 

Simon stopped, turning back to look at him. “Do you want to go back to class?” he asked. “Because we can. I just thought that you might want to….get out of here. At least for today.”

Simon was right. Of course he was. “No,” Jeremy said. “Let’s go.” He stood up, following Simon to his car. Their hands brushed just slightly as they walked, but they did nothing more than that. 

***

They ended up in the overgrown parking lot behind the steel mill. It was the most out-of-the-way place that either of them could think of. Jeremy wouldn’t be shocked if there were drug deals there, but for the moment, at least, it was just the two of them. 

The instant that Simon parked the car, he was leaning over to hug Jeremy. “Oh,” he said, startled, but hugged him back, burying his face in Simon’s shoulder. The angle, with Simon leaning over the gear shift, was awkward, but neither of them seemed to mind. 

“I’m so sorry,” Simon said into his ear. “About what happened at lunch, I mean.” He detached himself from Jeremy slowly, his face flushed slightly. “I wanted to do that at the school, you know,” he said. “Hug you. I just...I couldn’t.”

Jeremy nodded. He didn’t move his hand from where it was touching Simon’s. “I know,” he said. “It’s okay.” He was silent for a moment, threading his fingers through Simon’s. “How did you know that I was having a panic attack?” he asked.

“Oh,” said Simon. “Um, I never actually went inside after you told me to go away. I’m sorry, I know that I should have, but I was just...I was really, really worried about you, you know? And I could hear you on the phone - not anything specific, but I could tell that it wasn’t going well.” He seemed like he was going to say something else, but was cut off by Jeremy leaning in and kissing him. He made a surprised noise, but reciprocated instantly, his hand coming around to the back of Jeremy’s neck.

“Thank you,” Jeremy said softly after they had separated. “For being there.”

“That’s not something you have to thank me for,” said Simon. “I’ll always be there for you. No matter what’s going on in your life.” 

Jeremy could hear the question in his voice. “You’re wondering what I was talking to Zach about.”

Simon nodded. “You don’t have to tell me,” he said quickly. “I just…”

“No, it’s okay.” Jeremy sighed, trying to figure out how to word it. “Zach...he gave me a choice. I could move in with him this summer if I wanted. Like, for good.”

“And are you going to?” Simon asked. Jeremy couldn’t read the expression on his face.

He shrugged. “If he had asked me a few months ago, before the show and everything, I would have said yes. Getting out of Stanton was all I thought about then. But now everything is so much different. I don’t want to leave the troupe. I - well, I  _ didn’t _ want to leave Anabelle…”

Simon made a face, squeezing Jeremy’s hand. “Do you want to talk about her?”

Jeremy shook his head. “Not right now,” he said. “But, anyway, I don’t want to leave...you. Not with this whole thing with your parents. Not when you’re still figuring everything out. Not when you look this cute.”

Simon rolled his eyes, a smile coming over his face as Jeremy leaned in to kiss him. But as they separated, the grin was replaced with something else. “Really, though,” he said. “Don’t worry about me. I want you to do what makes you happy.”

“That’s the thing, Si,” Jeremy said. “ _ You _ make me happy.”

That expression on Simon’s face didn’t go away. “But…”

“I’m sorry,” Jeremy said, interrupting him. “Can we please talk about something else? Sorry, I just…”

“No, of course,” said Simon. “We don’t have to talk at all, if you don’t want to.”

Jeremy cut his eyes at him. “What are you saying?”

Simon’s entire face went red. “That isn’t what I meant!” Jeremy nodded, but he couldn’t hide his laughter. Simon scowled. “I hate you.”

Jeremy glanced over at him. “You love me.”

Simon didn’t say anything, just leaned in to kiss him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> recommended listening: hate that you know me - bleachers | mercy/gatekeeper - hayley kiyoko | wish that you were here - florence + the machine  
> talk to me on twitter (@annileej) and tumblr (@glorioussimon)!!


	7. if your world falls apart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "But that doesn’t matter to you, does it? It never does. You’re just - you’re just looking for a reason to hate me.”  
> or, jeremy realizes what he has to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i really, really didn't want to write this chapter and i'm sorry about that  
> tw for abuse from "Time seemed to slow down." to "Don't scream."

**You** _ (5:11pm): i’m sorry about snapping at you the other day _

**zach stop you’re gonna get in trouble** _ (5:15pm): Dude, you don’t have to apologize for that _

**You** _ (5:15pm): yes i do _

**zach stop you’re gonna get in trouble** _ (5:17pm): Honestly you don’t. But if you insist on it I accept your apology _

**zach stop you’re gonna get in trouble** _ (5:18pm): Has it gotten any better with them? _

**You** _ (5:20pm): nothing’s changed _

**zach stop you’re gonna get in trouble** _ (5:22pm): I know that you don’t want to think about it, but you have to make a decision. Are you staying or leaving? _

_ Read 5:22pm _

***

Jeremy had been positive that he was home alone until he heard someone call his name. He jumped, barely managing to keep hold of the bowl of leftover spaghetti he was heating up. “Hello?” he asked tentatively.

“In here,” he heard his dad say from the living room. Jeremy grabbed onto the kitchen counter, trying to steady his breathing. He hadn’t talked to either of his parents in days, not since his mom had shown up at school. It had almost been like they didn’t even live together. Almost, but not enough. He couldn’t think of a single reason why his dad would want to talk to him now, unless his father had somehow found out that Jeremy had reported his parents. Or Anabelle had reported his parents. He wouldn’t care which one was the truth.

_ That  _ thought did wonders for his anxiety.

“Jeremy?” his dad called again. Jeremy sighed, setting his spaghetti down on the counter.  _ I’d better not keep him waiting. _

He was in his usual place, sitting on the couch staring at the television screen while reruns of some sitcom blared endlessly in the background. Usually he had a can of beer in his hand, but not today. Jeremy stood awkwardly at the threshold of the living room, not sure whether he was to enter or not. “What’s up?” he asked.

His dad waved a hand at the coffee table. Jeremy hadn’t noticed it before, but a newspaper lay folded on top of it. “Thought you might want to see this.”

Jeremy frowned, crossing the room and picking up the newspaper. “No way,” he said slowly, staring down at it.

“Yeah,” said his dad as he glanced over at him. “That’s you.”

Jeremy couldn’t stop looking at the paper. There they were, the whole troupe, right there on the front page - a tiny picture, but a picture nonetheless. Beneath it there was a small article about them, about what they were doing by performing Spring Awakening again. “Wow,” Jeremy said. He couldn’t think of anything else to say. He looked again at the picture. He hadn’t even realized that it was being taken, wasn’t even sure when it had been taken or who had taken it. He usually thought that he looked weird in photographs, especially when he was speaking or singing, but in this one, he looked somehow confident. It was strange, he thought. Other people seemed to think that he actually self-assured, but Jeremy had never felt that way. Not thinking before he acted wasn’t the same as confidence.

“When is your play, anyway?” his dad asked him. Jeremy jumped, he hadn’t expected him to speak to him, much less actually be interested in what he was doing.

“Um, it should be a week from Saturday,” Jeremy said.

His dad nodded. “Any tickets still available? I think I might want to come see it. Come see you.”

Jeremy couldn’t stop the smile from spreading over his face. “Yeah, they are. And...um, you should. Come see it, I mean. I’d really love that.”

It took a little while for Jeremy to identify the feeling that was sparking in his chest. It felt almost like hope.

***

“It’s so  _ soon _ ,” Simon was saying. His head was on Jeremy’s shoulder, their hands touching on the armrest between them. The two of them had decided to stay after rehearsal for a few minutes if only to get a few minutes alone together. It felt almost like they hadn’t seen each other at all the past few days, despite having done their scene together on stage just a few moments ago. 

“You mean the show?” Jeremy asked.

Simon nodded. “I can’t believe that I kissed you today, even,” he said quietly. “Just in front of the troupe. In front of an audience again…I mean, I know I’ve done it before, but  _ still _ .” 

“You don’t have to kiss me,” said Jeremy. He let their fingers intertwine. “You can go back to the original version of the scene, if you want to. No one will mind.” 

“ _ I’ll  _ mind,” said Simon. “I don’t want to change a thing. Not this time.” He was silent for a moment. “Who knows?” he said lightly, clearly trying to change the subject. “Maybe no one will even show up.”

Jeremy narrowed his eyes at him playfully. “Not funny,” he said. Simon laughed, ducking his head slightly. Jeremy couldn’t help but lean in to kiss him. Simon reached up, wrapping his arms around his neck and pulling him closer. Jeremy could feel his smile against his mouth, the brush of his eyelashes against his cheeks. “Seriously, though,” he said once they separated. “People will be there. They’d better be there. This is our chance to show them that they can’t cut us down so easily. That we can’t be erased.”

“Exactly,” Simon said. “That’s why I want to do the original scene. I don’t want to cut out what it’s saying.”

“I get that,” said Jeremy. “But if you feel unsafe, or just, I don’t know, scared…”

Simon nodded. “I’ll talk to you. I promise.”

Jeremy smiled. “Okay,” he said.

Simon leaned his head on Jeremy’s shoulder again, and they didn’t talk for a while after that. It didn’t feel awkward, like it would with any other person. It felt normal, natural. 

“Jeremy?” Simon said suddenly.

Jeremy blinked, glancing over at Simon. “Hmm?”

“Do you really think that Robbie’s as fine as he says he is?”

Jeremy frowned. Robbie had returned to rehearsal that day, had run his scenes just like he always did. But he still didn’t seem quite normal, quite like himself. He felt subdued. He felt quiet. He felt like a shadow of what he used to be. “I think that he’s forcing himself to be,” Jeremy said. He definitely knew a thing or two about that subject.

As if on cue, his phone buzzed. 

**Mom** _ (6:14pm): Meet me in front of the school. _

Jeremy dropped his phone onto the seat as though it were burning. Simon frowned, looking over at him. “Everything okay?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Jeremy said. He hoped that Simon couldn’t feel his racing pulse. “I’m just - I’m going to go to the bathroom for a second. I’ll be right back.”

For a moment Simon still looked skeptical, but his expression cleared quickly. “Okay,” he said. “See you.” He reached out, holding Jeremy’s hand for a second before dropping it. For a split second, Jeremy felt his heartbeat return to its normal pace.

But it was only for that one second.

“See you,” Jeremy said, turning and leaving the auditorium.

***

There they were on the sidewalk. His mother, staring down at her phone, typing out a message to someone - he hoped that it wasn’t him. He had left his phone in the auditorium, not wanting to see any more texts from her. His dad stood a few steps behind her, glancing towards the school doors. Jeremy ducked away from the windows, his heart pounding.  _ You can’t delay it forever,  _ he told himself.  _ Just go. It’ll all be over in a second.  _ He forced himself to breathe, placing a hand on the door.  _ Go. Go. _

His parents’ heads jerked up as soon as the door opened. He avoided meeting their eyes, jogging down the stairs to meet them. “Hey,” he said as he approached. Maybe if he pretended hard enough that everything was fine, everything actually would be. “What’s up?”

His mother hadn’t spoken to him in weeks, yet still, she didn’t bother greeting him. “You skipped school last week,” she said. “Didn’t you?”

_ Shit. Shit. Shit.  _ Of all the reasons why his parents would want to talk to him, this was the one that he had least expected, the one that he had forgotten about. “Yes,” he said slowly. He couldn’t deny it. Not with her staring at him like that. Behind her, his father averted his eyes, not looking directly at him. Jeremy felt his stomach turn.

His mother laughed, a humorless, bitter laugh. “Of course you did.” Jeremy crossed his arms over his chest. He wished that she would stop looking at him. He wished that everyone would just stop looking. “We could have just done this at home, you know,” she continued. She stepped closer. Jeremy glanced over her shoulder, meeting his dad’s eyes. He hadn’t moved a muscle since Jeremy had come outside, hadn’t said a single word. “But you don’t talk to us anymore. You’ve been avoiding us. Why? Did you not want anyone to find out about this?”

Jeremy shook his head. “No,” he managed to say. “That isn’t it.” His mother raised her eyebrows.  _ Then what?  _ she seemed to be asking. She seemed different, Jeremy thought. Something seemed wrong about her, something off. The entire world felt off-kilter, almost tilted. Maybe that was why he said what he did.

“I didn’t talk to you about it because I knew you wouldn’t care,” he said. He could hear the blood rushing in his ears, feel his heart pounding. “You wouldn’t hear any defense from me.”  _ Stop,  _ he tried to tell himself. But he couldn’t. He just couldn’t. “I missed one afternoon, it wouldn’t have happened again. But that doesn’t matter to you, does it? It never does. You’re just - you’re just  _ looking _ for a reason to hate me.”

He knew instantly from the look on his mother’s face that he had gone a step too far.

Time seemed to slow down. This time he saw her coming towards him, saw her raising her hand, and he couldn’t flinch, couldn’t try to move away. When she shoved him he didn’t bother trying to catch his balance. He just let himself fall. 

He hit the ground and felt something inside of him shatter.

His vision went white as his head struck the pavement. He squeezed his eyes shut, a choked gasp escaping his mouth. Everything and nothing. He felt everything and nothing at the same time. There was the ringing filling his ears. There was the muffled sound of yelling, not just from his parents, but from another voice, one ever-so-slightly familiar. There was the pain seeming to radiate through his body, the feeling that he was burning. He forced himself to sit up, propping himself up on his arm. His arm didn’t like that. The pain seemed to grow ten times more intense, tearing through him, nearly blinding him. He covered his mouth with his other hand as tears sprang to his eyes.  _ Don’t scream. Don’t scream. _

“Hey,” someone said softly into his ear. A hand brushed his shoulder, and Jeremy flinched away from it. He gritted his teeth, even the slight movement sending stinging pains through his arm. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” the voice said breathlessly. Jeremy forced himself to open his eyes, staring at Simon. The other boy looked stunned, but above all, he looked terrified. Jeremy couldn’t bear the thought of looking at him, not now. He looked to his right, seeing that his parents had backed up, towards their car. There was someone else with them, and although Jeremy couldn’t make out the words, he could tell that he was yelling at them. He squinted.  _ Coach Strickland? _

Suddenly, his dad’s eyes slid past the coach, staring straight at Jeremy. Jeremy recoiled. His eyes dropped to the pavement, a shiver going through his skin. He remembered talking to him just a few days ago. He had dared to hope, wondered if maybe, just maybe, things were actually getting better.  _ Nothing. No more.  _ No more hoping, not anymore. No more even hoping that one day he could.

“Jeremy, don’t look at them,” said Simon. “Please. Don’t.” Out of the corner of his eye, Jeremy saw Simon’s hand resting on the pavement. He reached out with his good arm but stopped just inches away from him.

“You shouldn’t be here,” he said instead. “Anyone could see us, anyone could figure it out…”

Simon shook his head. “I don’t care. Not right now.” But Jeremy still saw him draw his hand away, resting it in his lap. In that one moment, he felt so many emotions at once, but none more than sheer hatred. For Simon’s father, for Jeremy’s own parents, for himself. For daring to let himself believe that anything could change.

_ Stop hoping for things that are never going to happen,  _ he told himself.

_ Stop with the wishes that won’t come true. _

_ Just. _

_ Give. _

_ Up. _

The yelling by the car grew louder, and Jeremy fought to keep himself from flinching, his eyes flicking upwards. As he watched, Coach Strickland shoved his dad backwards, further away from Jeremy. His mother grabbed Strickland’s shoulder, forcibly turning him around so that she could speak to him. 

“Jeremy,  _ please  _ don’t look. Don’t listen to them. Please.” Simon’s voice cut through the haze that seemed to be filling his mind. Jeremy turned his head, meeting his eyes. Something about the look on his face caused something to flicker through Simon’s expression. His hands curled into fists where they rested on the sidewalk. “You deserve better than this,” he breathed, and then Jeremy couldn’t hold in the tears any longer. 

He heard Simon say his name, but he couldn’t bring himself to meet his eyes. He leaned forwards, resting his head on his good hand, staring at the ground. “Jer,” Simon repeated. Jeremy wanted nothing more than to touch him, but the thought of someone’s hand on him now, the thought of someone seeing his and Simon’s relationship for what it truly was, made his stomach turn. “I’m here,” Simon said softly. Jeremy forced himself to look up at him. “I’ll always be here. I need you to know that. I need you to believe it.” Jeremy needed  _ himself  _ to believe it. But right then, he couldn’t bring himself to believe anything.

He realized that the parking lot had grown silent, that there were footsteps approaching them. “They’re gone,” said Strickland. He knelt down to Jeremy’s level. “Jeremy, right?” 

Jeremy nodded, not looking at him. “You can’t call the police,” he said before Strickland could open his mouth again.

Strickland frowned. “Why the hell not?”

“Because…” Jeremy sighed. “You just can’t.” He couldn’t put it into words. The thought that nothing would come of it, that they would just think that he was lying, just like his parents always did. The wondering where he would go if his parents were actually found guilty of anything, or if his parents threw him out if they found out that he had told. The fear. The constant fucking fear. “Please don’t,” he said quietly, so quietly that he barely heard himself speaking.

Strickland stared at him for a long moment, the weight of his gaze seeming suffocating. Finally, he sighed, standing up. “Alright, son. Let me take you to the hospital, at least.”

Jeremy frowned. “The hospital? Why?”

Simon cleared his throat, the first noise that he’d made since Strickland had approached them. “Um, Jeremy, you might want to look at your arm.”

Jeremy jerked his head to the right, looking down at where his arm was resting on the sidewalk.  _ It’s not supposed to bend that way, is it?  _ “Oh,” he managed to say. As if in response to him seeing it, his arm started to throb harder. He felt himself start to sway, barely catching himself before falling. “Yeah, the hospital might be a good idea,” he said weakly. He remembered what Zach had said -  _ You could end up seriously injured, you know? You could break a bone, or - or worse. _ Jeremy shivered. Zach had been right. Of course he had.

Strickland disappeared into the school building to go get Simon and Jeremy’s bags from where they had left them in the auditorium. For a moment, the two boys just sat there in silence, Jeremy’s eyes drifting to where his parents’ car had once been. He shifted slightly and hissed in pain as his arm moved. Simon glanced over at him. “You okay?” He winced as soon as he spoke. “Sorry, that was a bad question, I…”

“It’s okay,” Jeremy said. “I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you where I was going.”

Simon frowned. “Don’t apologize,” he said. “Not for that.” He had moved closer to him at some point, their hands just inches from each other. 

“How did you know?”

Simon didn’t have to ask what he meant. “You left your phone on the seat and your mom texted you. I’m sorry that I looked,” he added hastily, “but you seemed really...you seemed out of it. Scared, even.” He said the last part in almost a whisper. 

Jeremy closed his eyes, taking a breath. “I was,” he said, just as quietly. “I still am.” The confession made him feel bare in its honesty. Simon’s hand was next to his, their fingers just barely brushing. Jeremy could feel Simon shaking as he reached out, slowly intertwining their fingers together. 

He glanced over, seeing that Simon was looking back at him. “Okay?” Simon whispered.

Jeremy nodded. He wanted to do more, to lean his head on Simon’s shoulder, to wrap his arms around him. But at that moment, that one small thing was enough.

***

Strickland came back a few minutes later and Jeremy instantly let go of Simon’s hand, trying to ignore the pang of sadness that came with the action. Strickland didn’t seem to notice a thing as he handed them their backpacks. “Follow me,” he said. “My car’s this way. I texted Tracey - she’ll be meeting us there.” Simon nodded, moving to stand up. Jeremy attempted to follow him but staggered as he stood up, wincing with the effort not to move his arm. Every movement seemed to sent jolts of pain through his body. Simon caught his other arm before he could fall, meeting his eyes.  _ Are you okay?  _ he seemed to be asking. Jeremy shrugged, not looking away from Simon.

He wasn’t sure how long had passed before he heard Strickland clear his throat. Jeremy tore his eyes away from Simon, his face burning. “Let’s go,” said Strickland. Had he seen what the look between him and Simon had truly meant? Jeremy couldn’t tell.

The ride to the hospital was quiet. Jeremy tried to ignore the pain in his arm, wanting to keep as still as possible, but every bump in the road caused him to flinch, his vision seeming to go white. He shut his eyes, leaning his head against the car window. 

Tracey was waiting for them in the parking lot when they arrived, someone else, someone too familiar, standing next to her. “Oh my god,” Jeremy muttered as he fumbled with the car door.  _ Not again. Not again. _

“Jeremy?” said Mrs. Hallowell as they approached her. She was still dressed in her work clothes, a bag slung over her shoulder, clearly about to go home. Jeremy hated seeing the look on her face at the sight of him. “Tell me that this wasn’t…”

Jeremy shook his head, hoping that she could see in his expression that he didn’t want to talk about it. He glanced over at Simon. The other boy had tears in his eyes, he realized. Because of  _ him.  _ Jeremy’s stomach turned.

Strickland had approached Mrs. Hallowell and Tracey, turning them away to explain the situation. Jeremy wasn’t sure how long he just stood there staring, not sure whether he wanted to overhear what they were saying or not. He felt acutely aware of Simon next to him, the inches of space between them. 

“Anabelle was right,” Jeremy said quietly. The pain in his arm seemed to be making his head go fuzzy, his words sounding muffled.

Simon looked over at him. “What did you say?”

“I said that Anabelle was right,” Jeremy repeated, his heart pounding. “This...this has to end.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> recommended listening: oblivion - bastille | all we do - oh wonder | breathe me - sia  
> talk to me on twitter @annileej and tumblr @glorioussimon


	8. find each other's arms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I told my mom that she hated me,” he said. His voice had dropped to a whisper. “And she didn’t deny it. Didn’t even come close.”  
> or, jeremy gives up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> who's ready for some tea  
> tw for abuse from "He barely had time to take it all in before he heard the sound of footsteps coming from the living room. " to "He stood up, grabbed his phone off of the bookshelf where he had left it, and ran."

**Gwen** _(10:02pm): My dad told me what happened, are you alright?_

 **You** _(10:06pm): my arm is sore but itll be fine eventually_

 **Gwen** _(10:07pm): That’s not what I was asking._

 **You** _(10:07pm): i know_

***

Morning came both too soon and too late. Jeremy wasn’t sure whether he wanted to run away from the nightmares or hide in them so that he wouldn’t have to face anyone. But there came a point when he couldn’t procrastinate the act of opening his eyes any longer.

It took him a moment to remember what had happened the previous afternoon, and a few more moments for his eyes to adjust. The sun seemed far too bright for the morning. Jeremy sat up, hearing a _thunk_ as his phone hit the ground from somewhere inside the blankets. He reached down to get it - or rather, attempted to. Pain lanced through his right side the second he bent over, forcing him to sit back. “Shit,” he breathed.

“Language,” he heard Ms. Wolfe say. He looked up, seeing her emerging from a door down the hall. He couldn’t figure out the expression on her face. He barely remembered her offering to let him stay at her house the previous night and didn’t remember agreeing to it at all. After he had stepped out of the car in the hospital parking lot, the night was a blur.

“Sorry,” said Jeremy. “Um, what time is it?”

He saw Ms. Wolfe check her watch. “Nearly noon.”

Jeremy sighed, leaning his head back against the couch. He’d never slept that late in his life. He opened his mouth to speak, but Ms. Wolfe cut him off before he could get the words out. “You’re not going back to that house.”

“What else am I supposed to do?” Jeremy asked. He tried to seem forceful, but all he could manage was sounding exhausted. There was Zach’s offer again, still lingering in the back of his mind where it always was, where it had been since Zach had first brought it up. Jeremy knew what he had to do. He supposed that he always had, even if he had only just now realized it. But he couldn’t bring himself to say it out loud.

Ms. Wolfe had moved to sit down next to him on the couch. “Why won’t you let anyone tell the police?”

“You didn’t answer my question,” Jeremy said.

“Neither did you -”

“Because I have no idea what would happen to me if I did!” he snapped before she had even finished speaking. “When it first happened I was twelve years old, and I wanted to, _god,_ I wanted to. I remember...I remember hiding in the shed and just crying and crying because I had no idea what to do next. I thought that it would only happen once, but it just _kept going_ . And at some point it just became part of my life, and I guess that I thought it was easier that way. If I told anyone, I don’t know where I would go, what I would do. And that’s only if the police actually believed me. If they didn’t….I don’t want to even _think_ about what my parents would do to me.” He felt a shiver go down his spine. He brought his legs up to his chest, resting his head on his knees. “I told my mom that she hated me,” he said. His voice had dropped to a whisper. “And she didn’t deny it. Didn’t even come close.” He didn’t cry when he said it. He didn’t feel anything at all. And for some reason that made it all so much worse.

“I’m sorry for snapping,” he said quietly. “I’m sorry for everything.”

He felt Ms. Wolfe’s hand on his shoulder and looked up. “It’s okay,” she said. “You’re okay, Jeremy.”

Jeremy shook his head. “I don’t think I am.” He had been avoiding looking at his arm, but now he did, seeing the bright white cast that encircled his arm. “My arm is broken in two places. It’s never gone that far before.”

“Then who’s to say that it couldn’t again?” Ms. Wolfe said, quietly, as if she didn’t want to say it. Jeremy didn’t look at her as she spoke, but still felt a pang in his heart. “Jeremy. I know that it’s scary. But you have to get out of there. And if something goes wrong, then I’ll be there for you. _Everyone_ will be there for you, I can promise you that.”

Jeremy had closed his eyes. He knew what he had to say. “Zach offered to let me move in with him in New York.”

“And what did you say?” Ms. Wolfe asked.

Jeremy shook his head. “Nothing yet. But…” He had to say it. He had to say it out loud. “Yes. I’m saying yes.” He looked up at Ms. Wolfe. She didn’t say anything, just raised her eyebrows. “But I don’t know how to get away,” he said, not sure whether he was speaking more to her or to himself. “I feel like they’ll just come after me no matter what I do.”

Ms. Wolfe was silent for so long that Jeremy wasn’t sure if she was ever going to speak again. But then she did. “I think that I might have a plan for how to stop that from happening.”

Jeremy felt his heart skip a beat. He wasn’t sure what to call what he was feeling. It wasn’t hope. Not yet. But it was something, at least. “Before you tell me what that plan is...will you sign my cast?”

For the first time that day, she smiled. “Of course, Jeremy.”

***

Jeremy could hear them talking through the door, could hear the smiles and laughter in their voices. He paused with his hand on the doorknob. He had made sure to stand away from the window, not wanting his friends to see him before he was ready, but he couldn’t stay out of sight forever. He might never be ready.

He was sure that they knew what had happened. Gwen clearly knew about it, but even if she hadn’t told them, Michael would have heard about it from his mom. And maybe nothing would change because of it - nothing had when they had first seen his mother hit him - but this seemed different somehow. After all, Jeremy wouldn’t believe that someone would break their own child’s arm if it hadn’t happened to him.

He took a deep breath and turned the handle.

The first face he saw was Anabelle’s, and she was the first one to see him, her eyes widening at the sight of his cast. He quickly glanced away from her, looking out at the rest of the room. “Um,” he said. “Hi.”

No one said a word.

Jeremy’s eyes fell to the floor and he drew his arm closer to him. He wanted to run and hide. “Guys,” he said. “ _Please_ don’t be weird about it.”

“Sorry, man,” Clark said. He smiled, but Jeremy could tell that he was forcing it. “It’s just...a lot, you know?”

Jeremy nodded. “Yeah. I definitely know.” Lexi scooted over on the couch and he sat down next to her. “You guys can sign my cast if you want,” he said into the silence. “I have a bunch of sharpies in my bag. And it’s kind of pathetic that Ms. Wolfe is the only one who’s signed it.”

Another beat of awkward silence, of tense glances. Jeremy bit his lip, looking down at his lap.

“Okay, pass me a pen,” he heard someone say. He looked up. _Jolene._ He couldn’t help but smile, rummaging in his bag for a marker. She took it and began drawing.

He glanced at the cast over her head, frowning. “Yeah, no. You’re not drawing that.”

“Why not?” Jolene asked innocently.

“This thing is going to be on my body for a _month._ I’m not having...that on my arm.”

“It’s a cat, Jeremy.”

“It’s…” Jeremy looked again, seeing what she had turned her drawing into. “Okay, I guess that’s fair.” Jolene grinned, signing her name beside her masterpiece.

Pretty soon, all of the understudies had signed his cast, someone had suggested that they play Never Have I Ever, and everything finally felt normal.

“Okay,” Cheryl said, starting the game. “Never have I ever broken a bone.”

“I hate you,” said Jeremy, putting a finger down.

The game went by quickly. _Never have I ever broken the law. Never have I ever injured myself trying to impress someone. Never have I ever cheated on a test. Never have I ever gotten into a physical fight. Never have I ever kissed someone of the same sex._ (A lot of people put down fingers on that one.)

“Um,” said Clark a few questions in. He glanced over at Francis. “Never have I ever kissed the captain of the boys’ soccer team at a party and thought that no one knew about it, but really everyone did.”

Francis rolled his eyes, putting down his pointer finger. “Never have I ever had a crush on someone in this room who has red hair,” he retorted.

Harmony pointed at them. “Stop targeting each other.”

“Cheryl was targeting me,” Jeremy pointed out.

“It was a general statement,” said Cheryl.

“Wait,” Violet interrupted. “Francis, you kissed _him_?”

“I might have,” Francis admitted. He frowned at the sight of the look on her face. “Come on, why are you looking at me like that?”

“I just...I don’t know,” said Violet. “I don’t think that was a very good idea, is all -”

“Well, I don’t remember asking you about it,” Francis interrupted. The room was silent for a moment, the two of them staring at each other.

“....okay,” said Lexi after a moment. “Um, never have I ever had a crush on a boy?”

Anabelle put her finger down instantly, Sasha, Michael, Harmony, Francis, and Clark following her. After a minute, Jeremy did too. “Um,” he said quietly. It was only the third time that he could recall that he was saying it out loud. “I’m gay.”

“Welcome to the club,” Cheryl said.

Jeremy smiled back slightly. “Thanks. I thought I should say it before I...before I leave.”

“Leave?” Jolene echoed. “Where are you going?”

“New York,” Jeremy said quietly. He looked down, not wanting to meet their eyes. “I’m moving in with my brother. I wanted to stay in Stanton, I wanted to stay with you guys, but I just...I can’t. I’m giving up.”

“You’re not giving up,” someone said. Startled, Jeremy looked up, meeting Anabelle’s eyes as she spoke. “You’re fighting back.”

Jeremy stared at her. He wanted to say something, anything, but he couldn’t find the words.

“Never have I ever seen anyone who needs to talk more than those two,” Jolene whispered loudly.

No one put a finger down.

***

He stopped Anabelle in the hallway after school that day, at that time just before the buses left but after everyone had cleared out of the building. “They were right, you know,” he said. He barely recognized his own voice when he spoke.

Anabelle hadn’t seen him when she walked by, but she clearly heard him. She turned, meeting his eyes for the first time in days. It was clear that she was refusing to look at his cast. “What do you mean?”

“I mean that we need to talk.” Jeremy stepped closer to her. “You were right,” he said. “I should have told someone about it a long time ago.”

Anabelle sighed. “Yeah. _You_ should have,” she said. “I shouldn’t have made that decision for you.” She was silent for a moment. “After you ran out of the cafeteria the other day, Michael said - he said that if your parents found out that someone _else_ had found out, it could make things ten times worse for you.” For the first time, she looked down at his arm, an indescribable expression crossing her face.

Jeremy shook his head. “No. Anabelle, _no_. It wasn’t your fault. If it was anyone’s, it was...it was mine.”

Anabelle met his eyes, and the fury in them was so intense that Jeremy nearly had to step back. “Don’t say that,” she said. “Don’t ever say that again. This isn’t your fault, not one bit.” Jeremy crossed his arms over his chest and nodded. He felt strangely exposed.

The next time Anabelle spoke, it was quieter. “How long?”

As usual, Jeremy understood what she was saying without having to ask her to clarify. “It started when I was twelve,” he said. “But I’ve gotten really good at hiding it.” _Until it couldn’t be hidden any longer. Because some things just can’t stay secret forever._ Eventually Principal Ward, or one of his teachers, would realize just what the injury meant. Jeremy wanted to take matters into his own hands before that happened. This would end under his circumstances, or it wouldn’t end at all.

He could see the tears forming in Anabelle’s eyes and had to look away, blinking rapidly. “Jeremy.” At first, that was all that she said. Just his name. “You can talk to me about anything. And if I ever made you feel like you couldn’t, or like you were, I don’t know, unsafe with me, then I’m so, so sorry.”

Jeremy shook his head. “No,” he said, his voice choked. “That’s not why - Anabelle, I feel safer with you than almost everyone I’ve ever met. I didn’t tell you because - because I didn’t want things to change with us. But they did anyway. I can pinpoint the exact day that we started to be more distant from each other, and that was - that was the day that my mom first hit me. It was my fault that….”

He was cut off by Anabelle suddenly, fiercely hugging him. “Oh,” he said, startled, but hugged her back as best as he could with the bulky cast. He felt the burn of tears on his cheeks and didn’t bother to wipe them away.

“It isn’t your fault,” Anabelle said into his ear. “I need you to hear me, I need you to believe me. _None of this is your fault._ ”

Jeremy nodded. “Okay,” he whispered. “I...I believe you.”

They separated, but Jeremy still couldn’t look Anabelle in the eyes, looking down at the ground as the tears continued to fall. “What are you going to do?” she asked him. Her voice was barely above a whisper.

Jeremy exhaled. “The right thing, I hope,” he said. “But I’ll need your help.”

***

The end came that night around ten.

Jeremy’s cereal had somehow ended up on one of the top shelves in the kitchen - he was willing to be that his dad had put it up there. Jeremy had climbed up on top of the counter, reaching out with his good arm to try and grab the box. But of course his hand was shaking. Of course he dropped the cereal. Of course he couldn’t catch it with his other arm. By the time he realized what had happened, there had been an audible crash as the box hit the ground and pieces of cereal spilled out over the kitchen tiles. He winced at the sound of it, jumping down off of the counter. He barely had time to take it all in before he heard the sound of footsteps coming from the living room.

“What the hell?” Jeremy whirled around to see his mother standing in the doorway. His dad was a few steps behind her like a shadow.

“My hands were shaking,” he said. He stepped backwards, as far away from his parents as he could possibly be. “I’m sorry.” His hands were still shaking. He clenched his left hand into a fist, drawing his right arm closer to him. “I’ll clean it up…”

His mother stepped closer. “Jeremy.” She hardly ever said his name, and the sound of it now sent a shiver down his spine. There was her hand encircling his wrist, her other hand on his shoulder, pushing him back against the counter. That touch nearly hurt more than every other strike he’d felt through the years.

“Lisa,” he heard someone say. He made eye contact with his dad over his mother’s shoulder for a split second before his dad looked away. “It’s just cereal.”

The look on his mother’s face grew colder just a moment before she smacked Jeremy across the face so hard that it sent him tumbling to the ground. He pulled his injured arm closer to him, preventing it from hitting the ground. His head wasn’t so lucky. He felt it slam against the corner of a kitchen cabinet, that same cabinet that it had hit a few weeks ago, the one that had given him his scar. The moment that had led to this one.

Jeremy could hear his parents arguing, their son seemingly quickly forgotten. He could feel the blood starting to run down his forehead. He could feel his head throbbing, his thoughts racing a mile a minute. He forced himself to sit up, looking over at his parents. They barely seemed to notice that he was there, too wrapped up in their own conversation.

He stood up, grabbed his phone off of the bookshelf where he had left it, and ran.

***

He found himself sitting on a bench on a street corner a few blocks away and couldn’t entirely remember how he had gotten there. He could feel his hands shaking, chills going down his spine. There was blood on his face, but he couldn’t bring himself to wipe it off.

He somehow managed to get his phone out of his pocket.

 **You** _(10:22pm): is it okay if i call you_

 **Si <3 ** _(10:22pm): Always._

Simon picked up the call on the first ring. “Are you okay?” he asked.

“Yes,” Jeremy said, his voice small, hoarse. “It’s...it’s done.”

He could hear rustling on the other end of the phone, as though Simon was moving. “Where are you?”

“No,” said Jeremy. “It’s - I’m fine. You don’t have to -”

“Jer, my dad isn’t home. My mom won’t care. You can stay here tonight, it’s fine. Where are you?” He could hear Simon’s voice shaking and felt his stomach turn.

He hoped that Simon couldn’t hear how quickly he was breathing when he spoke. “Okay,” he whispered. “I’m at the corner of Lakewood and Bridge, on the bench.”

“Are you hurt?”

He was silent for a beat too long. “Not really.” He could feel the blood starting to run down the side of his face and forced himself to ignore it.

“I’ll be there in ten minutes,” Simon promised. “Okay?”

“Okay,” Jeremy breathed. His finger hovered over the end call button before he spoke again. “Could you stay on the phone? Sorry, we don’t have to talk, I just…”

“You don’t have to apologize for that,” Simon said softly. “I’ll be here. I promise.”

Jeremy nodded, forgetting for a second that Simon couldn’t see him. “Okay,” he whispered.

Simon didn’t speak again, but Jeremy could still hear his breathing over the phone. He leaned his head against the back of the bench, closing his eyes. He didn’t hear a single car pass by, a single tree branch rustle in the wind. It felt like he was the only person in the world. Him and the boy on the other end of the phone.

It felt like both hours and seconds before he heard someone sit down next to him. He opened his eyes slowly, looking straight at Simon. Simon was looking right back at him, his eyes flicking up to the cut on his head. For a long moment, neither of them spoke.

“Lay down,” Simon said suddenly.

Jeremy frowned. “What?”

“Lay down,” Simon repeated. “It’ll help the bleeding stop. That’s what WebMD says, anyway.”

That was when Jeremy noticed what Simon had in his hands. “Is that a first aid kit? Did you just have that in your car?”

Simon blushed. “Um. Yeah.”

“Has anyone ever told you that you’re the mom friend?”

“Lilette does all the time.”

“She’s right.” Jeremy hesitated, then shifted so that he could lay his head in Simon’s lap. “Is this okay?” he asked.

“It’s fine with me,” Simon said quietly. “Is it okay with you?”

Jeremy nodded. He felt Simon’s hand slowly come to his forehead, pressing a wet cloth to the wound. He winced. “Sorry,” Simon whispered. He had started to run his other hand through Jeremy’s hair, and Jeremy leaned into the touch, closing his eyes. “This is in the same place as your scar,” Simon said.

“Great. I’m only a pair of glasses away from being Harry Potter.” He opened his eyes and saw the slight smile playing at the edges of Simon’s lips. Simon reached into the first aid kit, picking up a band-aid and gently applying it to Jeremy’s head. Jeremy sat up as soon as he was finished, leaning his head on Simon’s shoulder. Simon wrapped an arm around him and drew him closer. Jeremy could feel the heat radiating off of Simon’s body.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Simon asked quietly.

Jeremy shook his head. “No. Not tonight,” he said. “Can - can we just sit here for a while?”

“Of course,” Simon said. Jeremy looked up at him, and Simon turned his head. “What is it?” he asked. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“No reason,” Jeremy said. “I just - nothing. Forget it.” He leaned his head back on his boyfriend’s shoulder, closing his eyes. He felt Simon kiss the top of his head, softly, slowly. For the first time that night, he felt a small smile start to spread across his face.

***

Jeremy jolted awake, his legs tangled in the sheets and his forehead slick with sweat. He had never had a dream that vivid before. He swore that he could still feel his mother’s hands on him, his dad staring at him coldly, his skin crawling with disgust at the world, at his parents, at himself.

“Jeremy?” he heard a voice murmur. He looked up. Simon had offered to let him take the bed, but Jeremy had refused, sleeping in a pile of blankets on the floor. Now Simon was sitting upright in his bed, staring down at Jeremy. Despite the darkness, Jeremy could clearly see the look of concern on his face.

“It’s nothing,” Jeremy said. “Just a nightmare. I’m sorry that I woke you up.”

Jeremy heard the rustling of the sheets as Simon climbed out of bed, crouching next to him. He reached out and brushed a tear off of Jeremy’s cheek. “It’s not nothing,” he whispered. Jeremy shook his head, drawing his knees up to his chest. Simon moved his hand to his shoulder. “Jeremy, please look at me.”

Jeremy glanced over at Simon, relaxing just slightly at the sight of him. Simon hesitated for a moment, for no longer than a breath, and then wrapped his arms around him, pulling Jeremy close to him. Jeremy felt himself sigh at the feeling of it, of him, of Simon. Simon kissed his forehead, then his cheeks, then all over his face. “You’re safe,” he whispered. “You’re safe.” Jeremy could feel his eyelids starting to droop and leaned his forehead against Simon’s chest, ignoring the dull ache he felt behind the cut.

“I love you,” he whispered.

He felt Simon’s arms tighten around him just before he fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> recommended listening: shine a light - banners | TALK ME DOWN - troye sivan | fix you - coldplay | also carry you came on shuffle while i was writing the last scene and it fucked me up  
> talk to me on twitter @annileej and tumblr @glorioussimon!!


	9. just to bring you home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You’ve given me so many bruises and scrapes for years now, and not just on the outside. It’s…it’s abuse, is what it is. And I’m done with it.”  
> or, jeremy takes a stand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's going to be okay guys

**You** _(3:51pm): im doing it today_

**zach stop you’re gonna get in trouble** _ (3:52pm): If you need my help text me. I’ll be right there waiting the entire time _

**Ms. Wolfe** _ (3:53pm): I am so proud of you, Jeremy. _

**Michael** _ (3:53pm): if anything goes wrong there’s a place for you at my house. my entire family is behind you right now. _

**anabelle!** _(3:54pm): I love you so much, I promise that everything will be okay!!_

 **Si <3** _(3:55pm): No matter what happens, I’ll always, always, be here for you._

Jeremy was thinking, something that was dangerous even at the best of times. It was difficult for him to pinpoint exactly what he was thinking about - it might have been the texts that he had just gotten, it might have been what he was about to do.

Jeremy turned on his phone, looking at the texts again.  _ You’ll be okay,  _ he told himself.  _ You’ll be okay.  _ He wasn’t sure if he believed it, not yet. But he stood up anyway, picking his backpack up off of the floor, and finally walked away.

***

He couldn’t help but hope that there was some way that his parents wouldn’t notice him, that maybe, just maybe, he could somehow avoid this confrontation. But somewhere, no matter how deep inside it was, he knew that he had to speak to them. 

Jeremy’s hand was on the doorknob when he heard the footsteps behind him. He waited for that familiar stab of fear, but it never seemed to come. He turned around and met Lisa Travers’ eyes. “Where are you going?” she asked him. She eyed the large backpack that he had slung over his shoulder. 

Jeremy glanced back down at the floor quickly. He couldn’t bring himself to say it while looking directly at her. “I’m leaving,” he said.

He expected her to scream, but somehow, the way that she said it, her voice nearly a whisper, made it ten times more chilling. “You’re  _ what? _ ”

Jeremy swallowed around the lump in his throat. “I’m leaving,” he repeated. “For good.”

The silence that fell over the room seemed almost louder than anything else. He dared to look up, meeting Lisa’s eyes for a split second before looking away. “Tell me why,” she said, her voice carefully controlled.

He forced himself to breathe. In, out. In, out. “Because…” He seemed to choke on the words as they came out of his mouth, and he cleared his throat, starting over. “Because you broke my arm,” he said. It was the loudest that he had spoken all day. “You cut my head open on a cabinet. You’ve given me  _ so many _ bruises and scrapes for years now, and not just on the outside. It’s….it’s abuse, is what it is. And I’m done with it.” His voice had increased in volume as he spoke, and he was nearly yelling it by the time he finished. He clenched his fist, struggling to keep his breathing under control.  _ Calm down,  _ he told himself. He looked up, meeting Lisa’s eyes and not looking away. He could see over her shoulder that Richard Travers had come out of the living room and was standing there watching, not saying a word. Silent, always silent.

For a moment, Lisa just stood there, her face like stone. And then she did something that Jeremy didn’t expect. She started to laugh.

Startled, Jeremy stepped back, as far away from her as he could get. “Abuse?” she said loudly. Then she repeated it, screaming this time - “ _ Abuse _ ? That’s what you think this is? You have  _ no idea _ what that word means!” She moved closer to him. Almost unconsciously, Jeremy reached for the doorknob. “You have a roof above your head. We have fed you and clothed you and paid for you for sixteen years. We have asked for nothing in return from you but your respect and cooperation, and  _ this  _ is how you repay us? How you repay me?”

Jeremy suddenly became aware that his hands were shaking. “Believe what you want,” he said. His voice was surprisingly steady. “So will the police if they find out.”

Lisa laughed again, a humorless laugh. “They’ll never believe you,” she said. “You have no evidence -”

“Yes, I do,” Jeremy interrupted. He had rarely ever interrupted her before, had hardly dared to. “I got it on video a few days ago. Remember? When you shoved me to the floor over a spilled box of cereal?” It had been difficult to get his phone at the right angle to capture it all, but he had eventually done it. He knew exactly how they would react if he spilled the cereal. It had just been a matter of letting it happen. “I’ve sent that video to five people that I trust more than I’ve ever trusted you,” he continued. “Both of you,” he added, making eye contact with his dad over his mother’s shoulder. He didn’t flinch, but Jeremy thought that he saw some sort of emotion that he wasn’t sure how to describe flickering behind his eyes. “And if you try to keep me here, or hurt me one more time, I’ve told them to show it to the police.”

Silence. Complete silence. Jeremy felt himself turning the knob, stepping closer to the exit. “Don’t try to find me,” he breathed. “Don’t contact me at all. I’m done with it. I’m done with it all.” He stepped backwards once, twice. The door was completely open now. He could feel the wind at his back. He was almost there, just a few steps now -

Lisa lunged at him, and time seemed to go into slow motion. He couldn’t run, couldn’t move at all. All he could do was stand there and wait for the pain to come. 

And then suddenly, his dad was there, stepping into the space between them. Jeremy hadn’t even seen him move. One instant he wasn’t there, and the next he was. Lisa stopped, staring at him with a dumbfounded look on her face. “Jeremy,” Richard said without looking at him, “Get out. Now.”

Jeremy turned and ran.

***

The car was right there, he could see it. Twenty-five feet away. Twenty. Fifteen. Ten. Five. He could see the two figures instead silhouetted against the bright sun, could feel the heat from the engine -

He tore open the back door and stumbled inside, gasping for breath. 

“Hey!” he heard Simon say, sounding alarmed. He could feel his hands on his shoulders, grounding him, steadying him.

“Drive,” Jeremy choked out breathlessly.

Zach glanced over his shoulder. “Are they following you?”

“No. I don’t…” Jeremy shook his head furiously. “I don’t know. I don’t think so, please, just  _ drive _ -” 

Zach nodded quickly without speaking, putting the car into drive. Jeremy couldn’t stop looking over his shoulder, sure that Richard and Lisa would appear at any time, coming after him, locking him in that house for good. A shudder went through his entire body.

“Hey,” Simon said softly. His hands were still on Jeremy’s shoulders. “Look at me.” Jeremy forced himself to turn his head. Simon’s hands moved from Jeremy’s shoulders to the back of his neck. “Don’t look back,” he said. “Don’t.” Jeremy closed his eyes and nodded, his breathing still quick and shallow. 

He saw Simon glance up at the front seat. Zach wasn’t focused on them, instead looking out of his rear view mirror. He seemed to be as scared as Jeremy felt. Simon leaned forwards, touching their foreheads together briefly before pulling Jeremy into a hug. For a moment Jeremy froze, not saying a word. He felt Simon start to back away but stopped him at the last second, wrapping his arms around his waist and pulling him closer. He buried his face in Simon’s shoulder and shut his eyes. He could feel Simon’s breathing, slow and steady, and felt himself relax. 

“I love you,” Simon whispered into his ear. And then Jeremy couldn’t hear anything but the tires against the road and the engine humming and the sound of his own breathing.

He didn’t open his eyes until he felt the car stop. He pulled away from Simon slowly, glancing over at Zach. He had seen them - Jeremy knew that he had - but Simon hadn’t moved away from him. He glanced over at Simon, startled, but he wasn’t looking at Jeremy.

Jeremy looked past him out of the window. “This isn’t the motel,” he said, frowning. He didn’t recognize the parking lot that they were in. It looked relatively new, freshly painted white lines gleaming in the sun and plants growing in concrete-lined beds between parking spaces.

“No,” Zach replied. He was turned away from Jeremy so that he couldn’t see his face. “Close your eyes.”

“What?” Jeremy asked, sure that he had misheard him.

“Close your eyes,” Zach repeated.

“Um, no thanks.”

“Simon, cover his eyes for him.”

He felt Simon’s hands come around his face, blocking his vision. He scowled. “You two never should have met,” he said. 

Neither of them responded, although he heard Zach’s muffled snicker. He felt Simon shift, gently pulling him with him as they climbed out of the car. He didn’t say anything as they walked across the parking lot. Nor did Zach, not even when Jeremy felt them entering a building. Simon moved his hands a second later, and Jeremy blinked at the sudden bright light. “Okay, what’s going on?” he asked.

“We’re going up some stairs and I don’t want you to trip,” said Simon.

Jeremy looked around, taking in the cramped stairwell they were standing in. “Where the hell are we?”

“Be patient,” he heard Zach say. He looked up, seeing Zach standing a flight of stairs ahead of them. “And hurry up.”

Jeremy rolled his eyes and began to climb up, Simon walking beside him. They had only gone a few flights before Zach stopped them in front of a door. “Okay, this is us,” he said. He pulled a key out of his pocket and turned it in the door, pulling it open. He walked inside, and after a moment, Jeremy followed him. 

He wasn’t sure where he was expecting them to be standing, but it wasn’t in a living room. Or more like the bare bones of a living room - all that was in the room was a worn couch and a dusty tv stand. Against the back wall a staircase led up to what looked like a small loft above, and beneath it Jeremy could see a hallway leading towards a kitchen. “What is this place?” he asked. 

“Well,” he heard Zach say. “It’s kind of our place.” 

Jeremy whirled around. Zach was standing behind him, his arms crossed, his eyebrows raised expectantly. “Zach,” he said, his heart pounding. “ _ What the hell is this _ ?”

“I met a dude at school who’s from around here,” Zach explained, talking quickly. “It was kind of an insane coincidence, actually. I mean, we’re from the middle of nowhere, and here’s a guy from right down the street in my history of psychology class -”

“Will you  _ answer the question _ ?” 

Zach held up his hands. “Okay, okay. This is his apartment. He was going to move here after he graduates, that was his original plan, but he changed his mind, he wants to stay in New York. So I talked to him, I told him the situation, and, well, I own it now. This is ours, Jeremy. You’re staying in Stanton.”

It took a moment for his words to set in. Jeremy could feel his hands shaking and he stumbled backwards, away from Zach. “No,” he managed to say. “No, I can’t - I can’t let you do that.”

Zach frowned. “What do you mean?”

“You - you have a life in New York,” Jeremy said. His voice had dropped to a whisper. He could feel his eyes filling with tears and couldn’t even figure out why. He blinked furiously. “You have your friends, you have to finish college. You can’t just destroy your life to help me.”

Zach shook his head. “Jeremy,  _ no _ . I’m not destroying my life, I’m just - detouring it. Putting some things on hold. I’ll have to go back to take my finals, and to, like, graduate, but I’m almost done. And as for everything else...well, it’s only two years.”

“Exactly,” Jeremy whispered. He crossed his arms, staring down at the floor. “It’s only two more years. I didn’t have to stay here. I didn’t even have to leave home, I could have -”

“Don’t you  _ dare _ say that.” Zach didn’t yell, barely even raised his voice, yet still Jeremy flinched.

“It’s the truth,” he retorted. “You shouldn’t have done this. I can’t let you do this.”

Zach opened his mouth, but Jeremy felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned to see Simon standing next to him. “Jeremy,” he said. For a second that was all that he said. Just his name. Simon reached up, touching his cheek. “You deserve this,” he said. “You deserve to be happy. Let yourself have this.” 

Jeremy shook his head. “No,” he choked out. “I don’t -”

Simon met his eyes. “Please,” he whispered. And Jeremy shattered.

He felt Simon’s arms around him, catching him before his knees could give out. One of Simon’s hands came up, running through Jeremy’s hair. “It’s okay,” Simon whispered. “It’s okay. You’re okay.” Jeremy buried his face in Simon’s shoulder. He couldn’t stop sobbing, years’ worth of pain coming to the surface all in one moment. 

He and Simon sunk to the floor, Simon not letting go of him, instead pulling him even closer. Zach knelt down next to him, his hand on Jeremy’s back, grounding him. “Jeremy,” he said softly. “Please. Stay.”

There were a thousand things that Jeremy wanted to say, millions of thoughts going through his head. He thought about himself staying here, about not having to sneak back in the house after coming back from rehearsal, about not being made to feel as though he was worthless every time he made a single mistake, about not being constantly afraid, every hour, every minute. He thought about staying in Stanton with his friends, with Simon. Every moment he had made here. Every moment that he would make.

He felt rather than heard the words as he said them. “I’ll stay.”

Simon breathed a sigh of relief into his neck and pulled him ever-so-slightly closer. He could feel Zach’s arm around him, Simon’s hand running through his hair. For what felt like the first time, he breathed.

He breathed.

He breathed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> recommended listening: rise above - juliet roberts | soon goodbye, now love - tom rosenthal | to build a home - the cinematic orchestra  
> talk to me on twitter (@annileej) and tumblr (@glorioussimon)!!


	10. we can make our stand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> we'll be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry that this took so long. i have no excuse i just didn't want it to end  
> this is literally the longest thing i've ever written and it's for something, about something, so important to me. thank you all for reading and thank you all for being so amazing. rise might have ended but the stories that it told still live on through us, and for that reason, it will never truly die.  
> (i have another idea for a multichap that would tie up some of the remaining loose ends from this (not necessarily a sequel) which should be out in december. so another reason that rise will never truly die is that i never shut the hell up about it)

The house looked like every other on the street. Two stories, white siding, blue shutters. The grass had been mowed recently, and he could see movement behind the curtains. Hardly anyone knew what had happened here. Only the people who had lived there, and a few others, the ones closest to them.

_ But isn’t it like that for every house _ ? he thought to himself. He didn’t know the people next door, not very well, at least. They had stories that he had no idea about, probably would never know about.

He was stalling. He knew he was. He’d rather do anything but face his parents again, but here he was.

“Just do it,” he told himself out loud. He sighed, his shoulders slumping, and turned the key in the door.

As soon as the door opened, he could hear the footsteps walking - no, running - towards him. “Jeremy?” someone called. He couldn’t tell the tone of the voice.

“No,” Zach said. “It’s me. You know, the son that you don’t remember exists.”

Lisa skidded to a stop at the entrance to the living room, a dumbfounded expression on her face. He could just barely see around her to where Richard was sitting on the couch, his gaze fixed on the television. He hadn’t even bothered to look at him. 

Zach swallowed, looking away from him. “I’m here to get Jeremy’s stuff,” he said.

Lisa’s brows drew together as she frowned. “You know where he is,” she said. It wasn’t a question.

“Why do you even want to know?” Zach asked. “And that wasn’t a rhetorical question, by the way. I really do want to know.”

“He’s my  _ son _ ,” said Lisa. As if that explained anything. As if that made it any better.

“Then why did you treat him like you did?” Zach demanded. “Why did you treat  _ me  _ like you did? If you say that you care about someone and then put them through...put them through that, then you’re a seriously fucked-up excuse of a person.” 

There it was again. That mask on her face. That expressionless look that she wore every time that she looked at him. Sometimes Zach wondered if it might be better for her to hate him than feel nothing for him.

Then he remembered Jeremy, how he believed that he was alone for so long, how he had broken down in the apartment, the scars and bruises that marked his skin, and realized how lucky he’d been.

“I’ll be filing for custody of him, you know,” Zach said. “Whether you want me to or not. And you can try and fight me on it, but trust me - I  _ will  _ win. No matter how long it takes.”

His voice had gotten dangerously low. Lisa stared at him for a second, her face pale, her mouth pressed into a thin line. Then she turned, disappearing into the living room.

It wasn’t approval, but then again, Zach wasn’t expecting any. He stared after her for a second. Part of him hoped that she would come back, say something, anything else. Most of him knew that she wouldn’t. 

Jeremy’s room was exactly where he remembered it to be, right at the top of the stairs. The door was tightly shut. Zach was positive that no one had gone inside for the past forty-eight hours. He twisted the doorknob, pushing the door open. The inside looked exactly like he remembered it, too, with one notable difference - most of the items in it, except for the furniture, had been packed up in suitcases or boxes. Zach had told Jeremy to make sure to pack his things, but not bring him with them when he left in case they didn’t let him leave, or if he had to run.

God, it made him sick. The whole thing made him sick.

He started going around the room, picking up as much as he could carry and taking it down to his car. He passed the living room on his way down, and despite knowing that Richard and Lisa were still there, watching him, didn’t look inside. 

He heard someone behind him on his second trip up the stairs. He didn’t turn to acknowledge Lisa until later, when she too carried a box to his car. Even then, he didn’t say anything, only looked at her. She didn’t look back, her eyes focused on the ground in front of her.  _ Are you ashamed?  _ Zach wanted to scream at her.  _ Are you upset? Do you feel anything at all? _

Only a few things were left in the room when Zach finally paused in the doorway of his own former bedroom. It looked just the same as he had left it, just as Jeremy had told him. All his old posters still on the walls, all his jerseys in the closet. But one thing was different - it didn’t feel like home. Not anymore.

Zach stepped back, closing the door behind him, and nearly walked right into Richard. Zach bit back the words he wanted to say and simply looked down at him. “What is it?”

Richard’s voice was just as emotionless as his face. “Everything’s in your car and ready to go whenever you are.” Zach couldn’t tell whether he was encouraging him to leave or asking him to stay a little longer.

He made the decision for him. “Bye, Richard,” he said. He turned away, walking down the stairs and not looking back.

Lisa was standing outside, leaning against the porch railing. Her gaze was fixed on Zach’s car. “You’re leaving, huh?” she asked, not turning to look at him.

“Yeah,” Zach said. The  _ hopefully for good  _ went unsaid, but she seemed to get the message.

He didn’t look at her as he walked down the driveway, not even when she called his name. “Zachary?” He scowled, focusing intently on unlocking the car door. He could hear her footsteps coming towards him. He could hear her catch her breath before she spoke. He could hear all the words she wanted to say, and the one that she settled for. “Goodbye.”

Zach didn’t look at her. “Goodbye, Lisa.”

_ Goodbye, Mom.  _

He didn’t get in the car until he was sure that she was inside, until he was sure that she wouldn’t be able to see that he was crying.

The drive back to the apartment was quiet. Zach wasn’t a fan of quiet. It made his thoughts seem too loud,  _ much  _ too loud. He was relieved for the sound of the radio despite the fact that it was mostly static, needing something to keep him anchored. The radio only came back into focus for a few minutes, for just enough time for one song. He had never heard it before, at least not that he remembered, but for some reason, it seemed all too familiar. 

_ Let it lead your love away, I never strayed. And let it bury you away, in all your blame, in all your pain, I will carry you always. _

_ I’ll be okay,  _ Zach realized.

***

She didn’t know that Jeremy was coming up behind her until he spoke. “Hey,” he said. She jumped, standing up quickly. “Sorry,” he added. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“It’s fine,” she said unconvincingly. “I wasn’t.”

Jeremy raised his eyebrows. “Okay, Anabelle,” he said. 

He set his backpack down next to hers and she realized that he wasn’t dressed yet. “Did you just get here?” she asked. 

His face flushed. “Oh. Um, yeah. I kind of got lost coming from the apartment.” She saw his expression change just slightly at the mention of the apartment, although whether it as positive or negative, she couldn’t tell.

“Is everything going okay there?” she had to ask. She was instantly glad that she did when she saw the slow smile that spread over Jeremy’s face.

“Yeah, it is,” he said. “I mean, we don’t have a lot of furniture yet, and we still have to unpack a lot of our stuff, I think we’ll have boxes until at least summer, but…” Jeremy trailed off, staring at some point behind Anabelle. At first he looked simply confused, uncomprehending, but then his expression settled into something else. Something like fear. 

Anabelle turned around and came face to face with Richard Travers.

Before she even fully realized who it was, she was standing up, moving so that she was in front of Jeremy. “Get out,” she said.

Richard blinked, but that was the only change in his face. He was expressionless when he spoke. “Anabelle…”

“Don’t,” she said. She hadn’t met the Travers parents many times, and all of those times had been when she was much younger, before Jeremy said that the abuse had started. But she had heard enough, even before he came clean about the full extent of what was happening. The oh-so-brief mentions of his parents not ‘approving’ of him. His fear every time he got even the slightest low score on an assignment. The times that he had showed up at Anabelle’s house, hesitantly asking if he could stay over that night. She curled her hands into fists. “You weren’t invited. Get out.”

Richard cleared his throat. “My _ son _ invited me. And I need to speak with him.”

Anabelle turned, looking at Jeremy over her shoulder. He had backed against the wall, not taking his eyes off of Richard. When he saw Anabelle looking at him, he shrugged slightly.

“It’s a little late to actually pretend that you care, don’t you think?” she heard Simon say. Anabelle turned. She hadn’t even realized that he was there, thinking that she was the only on in the green room before Jeremy had shown up. 

Simon stepped up beside her. For the first time since their breakup, they were united, Anabelle realized. Richard didn’t move, but Anabelle could somehow see the flinch in his eyes. “Fine,” he said coolly. He stepped back, making as if he was going to leave, but then turned once more. “Jeremy. If you want to talk to me, meet me after the show.”

“Don’t -” Simon started to snap, but suddenly Jeremy was behind him, putting a hand on his shoulder.

“Simon. It’s okay.” Jeremy looked up, meeting his dad’s eyes. “Go,” he said quietly.

“Will I see you?” 

Jeremy shrugged and Richard seemed to take that as enough of a response. He nodded, turning away and shutting the door behind him. For one moment, one way-too-long moment, there was silence.

“Jeremy?” Anabelle whispered.

Jeremy blinked once, twice, then removed his hand from Simon’s shoulder as if it were burning. “I’m fine,” he said. He sounded as though he was trying to convince himself more than anyone else. “I’m fine, I just...I just need a minute.” He shook his head. “I didn’t expect him to come,” he said, almost to himself. “Not after what happened.”

“You mean when you left,” Anabelle guessed.

Jeremy nodded. “They’re not coming after me,” he said. “I don’t think they are, anyway. Zach made sure of that. But I just...I don’t know. Scared, I guess.” His voice dropped to a whisper at the last three words.

Anabelle opened her mouth, desperately wanting to say something, anything, but Simon beat her to it. “It’s okay to be scared,” he said. “But what’s not okay is that they made you feel that way.” Jeremy looked up and met his eyes. Anabelle felt almost as if she should look away, as if she was intruding on a private moment. 

Jeremy nodded and, with a glance at Anabelle, stepped back slightly, away from Simon. “Thank you guys,” he said. “For being there, I mean. Not just now, but...for all of it. For everything.”

Anabelle could see the smile playing at the edges of Simon’s lips. “Always,” he said. And then, so quickly that Anabelle almost thought that she hallucinated it, he reached out and tapped the back of Jeremy’s hand. 

She knew exactly what it meant. She supposed that she always had know that it would happen, sooner rather than later. It had always been there, in the glances that they had shared on stage, in the careful way that their hands would sometimes brush when they walked together, in the way that Jeremy would look over his shoulder when he heard Simon’s voice or when they walked past him in the hallway. 

She expected to feel angry, or confused, or upset. But somehow all that she felt was relieved.

“I’ll give you guys a minute,” she said. Simon jerked his head, looking over at her. For a split second, he looked almost afraid, but his expression gave way to a slight smile.

_I’ll_ _be okay,_ Anabelle realized.

***

Somehow the dull murmur from the other side of the curtain added to the silence. He was the first one on stage by a large margin of time, perching on the ledge and waiting. He wasn’t quite sure exactly what he was waiting for.

After a few moments passed, he saw movement in the wings, someone beckoning him over. He stood, moving as quietly as he could over to Lilette. “Hey,” he said softly.

“Hi, Robbie,” said Lilette. She reached out, touching his face. “How are you doing?”

He didn’t need to ask her to elaborate. “I’m…” He glanced over his shoulder, looking back at the curtain. His dad was on the other side, his stepmother. He hadn’t expected them to come this time, but there they were. He shrugged. “I feel like she’s still here, somehow,” he said. “Watching over me.” Lilette didn’t say anything, just stared at him with those dark eyes, those beautiful eyes. Her arms moved around his neck and she stepped closer to him. “I think she would be proud of me,” Robbie said, his voice dropping to almost a whisper. 

Lilette nodded. “I know that she would,” she said, and then she was pulling him into a hug.

Robbie leaned his head against her shoulder, breathing her in for what felt like the last time. “I don’t want you to go,” he whispered. 

Lilette was silent for a moment. Robbie could feel her heartbeat against his, her breath against his skin. “I don’t think I’ll ever truly leave,” she said finally. “I feel like I’ll always be here. On this stage. Beside you. Like your mom.”

The other troupe members started to come on stage and they broke away from each other, still standing close enough for Robbie to feel the heat off of Lilette’s skin. “I love you,” he said. He had found that he couldn’t say it enough.

“I love you,” said Lilette. She kissed him once briefly, too briefly, before disappearing off to her place.

He thought about her during Those You’ve Known. He thought about his mother. About his father, his stepmother, Mr. Mazzu, Ms. Wolfe, the rest of the troupe. All the people that they were. All the people that he could turn out to be, the people that they had shaped him into.

_ Now they’ll walk on my arm through the distant night. And I won’t let them stray from my heart. _

_ I’ll be okay,  _ Robbie realized.

***

It wasn’t until the curtains closed that she realized that she was crying. Actually, to be more accurate, Simon noticed it first. “Lilette?” he said softly. She felt his hand brush her shoulder slightly. “Are you alright?”

Lilette looked over at him. He had been her best friend, almost like her brother, for so long now. She remembered just a few days ago when he had turned up at her apartment after dark, clearly having been crying. She remembered how he told her haltingly about what Jeremy’s parents had just done to him, about how he and Jeremy had gotten together after the show, about how terrified he was to tell his parents, to tell  _ her _ . Thinking about it just made her cry harder.

“Hey,” Simon was saying, and then he was hugging her tightly. She could feel Robbie’s hand on her shoulder, Ms. Wolfe standing in front of them.

“Lilette,” she said. “Is everything okay?”

She shook her head. “I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you,” she choked out. “I...I’m moving. To Philadelphia. I leave on March 13th…” It was less than two weeks from that day. 

“ _ Lilette,”  _ Ms. Wolfe said, and then she was hugging her too. Then Robbie, then Gwen, then Michael. And then everyone was there, her whole troupe standing around her, supporting her.

Lilette closed her eyes. This was the place that she called home. These were the people that she loved. She wouldn’t leave them, not really.

_ I’ll be back,  _ she promised herself. This wasn’t the beginning of the end. It was the end of the beginning.

_ I’ll be okay,  _ Lilette realized.

***

He felt invisible in the crowd, and at this point, he almost preferred it that way. He could see Lilette with her mom, Gwen with her parents, Michael with his sister.

He didn’t see Jeremy anywhere.

“Simon!” he heard someone yell. He turned, seeing Emma shoving through the crowd, running towards him. He felt his heart slamming against his ribcage as he bent down to hug her. 

“Hey, Emma,” he said softly. He wanted to ask her what she thought of the show, if she liked it, but something stopped him from speaking. 

“Simon,” he heard his mother say. He stood up, turning to face her, but didn’t even get a chance to speak before she was hugging him too. He made a muffled noise of surprised but hugged her back, burying his head in her shoulder.  _ I love you, Mom.  _ “I don’t know if I got a chance to tell you this before - everything was so hectic after the show last time, we didn’t even get a chance to see you - but you...you were amazing, Simon. I don’t say it enough, but…” She blinked, and Simon saw tears in her eyes. “I am so proud of you.” 

“Th-thank you,” Simon managed to say. He glanced over his mother’s shoulder, searching the crowd for one person. She noticed instantly and placed her hands on his shoulders, drawing his attention back to her.

“He didn’t come,” she said. “I’m sorry, honey.”

Simon felt his heart sink. He looked down at the floor. “It’s okay,” he heard himself say. He didn’t know why he had let himself hope, or what he was even hoping for. It wasn’t as if his dad would be magically okay with everything after seeing the show a second time. 

His mother shook her head. “No,” she said. Simon was surprised at the cold fury in her voice. “No, it really isn’t.”

Simon shrugged. The last time that he had even seen his dad was a few days ago, the morning after Jeremy had stayed over. Simon had woken up around eight o’clock, his arms still wrapped around Jeremy, the other boy still fast asleep. Simon had reached up, brushing Jeremy’s hair carefully off of his forehead. The cut looked like it had already started to close. Simon breathed out a sigh of relief.

And then he heard the yelling. He barely managed to keep from jumping up, his hands stilling where they rested on Jeremy’s head and shoulder. Simon moved slowly, not wanting to disturb Jeremy as he stood up, creeping towards the door. He cracked it open and glanced down the stairs. There they were. Where they always were. Saying what they always said.

“I don’t want that boy in our house, Patricia,” he heard his dad hiss. 

“You don’t even know who he is!” his mother argued. “You didn’t hear what Simon told me about him. Do you want our son to not help his friends when they’re in trouble? Are you that afraid?”

Simon winced. He hadn’t meant to tell her anything about Jeremy, but she had caught him sneaking downstairs after he had called him the previous night. He couldn’t think of an explanation other than the truth. 

(Or, most of it. He couldn’t tell her exactly what Jeremy was to him. He had tried to, but the words had seemed to get caught in his throat.)

“I am not  _ afraid _ ,” his dad said. And so it went, on and on. The arguments always ended the same - with his mother in tears and he dad storming out the front door. And Simon always,  _ always _ couldn’t help but listen.

Simon wasn’t sure how long he was standing there before he felt a hand on his shoulder. “Hey,” someone whispered into his ear. He jumped, whirling around to face Jeremy. The other boy held up his hands. “It’s just me,” he said.

Simon’s heart pounded. “How much did you hear?” he asked.

Jeremy shrugged, which seemed to be code for  _ most of it.  _ “Come on,” he said, stepping back to give Simon room to come forwards into his bedroom. Simon didn’t move. “Simon, please,” Jeremy said. “You...you shouldn’t be listening to this.”

Simon cast his eyes towards the ground and stepped into the room, sitting down on his bed. Jeremy shut the door and sat down next to him, carefully not touching him. “Do you want to talk about it?” he asked quietly.

Simon shook his head at first, but found that he couldn’t keep quiet. “I’m so angry,” he burst out. “At...at my dad. At your parents. At the  _ world _ for being against everything we do.” He crossed his arms over his chest, still not meeting Jeremy’s eyes. “How can we be happy?” he whispered. “How can we keep going like this?”

“We won’t,” Jeremy said. He reached out, touching Simon’s shoulder. Simon didn’t move away. “Things will change, Simon. I promise. It...it will get better.” He seemed almost like he was convincing himself too, not only Simon. Simon finally met his eyes and Jeremy pulled him into a hug. Simon hugged him back, trying to pretend that he wasn’t crying. “Screw our parents,” Jeremy whispered. “Screw the world. If they refuse to see that this isn’t wrong, that you haven’t done anything wrong, then screw them. We can be happy without them. As long as I’m with you, I’m happy.”

Simon closed his eyes, holding Jeremy tighter.  _ I love you,  _ he thought. But he didn’t say it out loud. Not yet.

“Simon?” his mother said, drawing him out of his thoughts. “You’re looking for someone else, aren’t you?” 

Simon felt his heart stop. “Um,” he said. He hadn’t even realized that he was searching for Jeremy in the crowd. “I…”

“That boy you had over the other night,” his mother guessed. “Jeremy?”

_ No. No. No.  _ “I…” Simon said, trying to think of an explanation. “Um, I’m…” He could feel his hands shaking and closed them into fists, his nails digging into his skin. 

“Simon,” she said. She reached down, covering his hand with her own. “It’s okay.”

Simon shook his head. “No,” he said. “You don’t - you don’t  _ know _ …”

She nodded. “I saw you with him that night,” she said softly. “When you fell asleep with him.”

Everything was splintering apart. Simon blinked once, twice, three times. He felt like the floor was about to give out beneath him. “Mom,” he said weakly. “I…”

She squeezed his hand. “Simon,” she said. “You don’t have to explain.”

“But…”

“You’re my  _ son _ ,” she said, as if that explained everything. “If he makes you happy, then...then I have no reason to be against it, against you. How could I?”

Simon closed his eyes. Nothing felt real, as if he was in a dream. He felt a tear trickle down his cheek. “Oh, _ Simon _ ,” his mom said, and then she was hugging him again, holding onto him like he was going to drift away if she let go.

He felt Emma touch his hand. “It’s okay,” she said. “Right, Simon?”

Simon broke away. “Yeah,” he managed to say. “Yeah, it really is.” Over his mom’s shoulder, he could see a familiar head of blond hair, looking lost in the crowd. He felt his breath catch in his throat.

His mom followed his gaze. “Is that him?” she asked. Simon nodded. “Invite him over here,” she suggested. “I want to meet him.”

Simon shook his head. “No, I couldn’t…”

“I want to meet him, too!” said Emma.

Simon sighed. He couldn’t say no to her, he had never been able to. “Fine,” he said. He held up his hand, waving to get Jeremy’s attention. Jeremy saw him quickly, waving back at him.  _ Come over here,  _ Simon mouthed. Jeremy frowned, his eyebrows furrowing. Simon nodded.  _ It’s okay. _

Jeremy shrugged and started to push through the crowd. “Hey,” he said when he got to him, smiling at him brightly. Simon felt the butterflies in his stomach go into overdrive.

“Hi,” he said. “So, um, my mom and sister really wanted to meet you.”

“Oh, really?” Jeremy said. 

Simon nodded. “Yeah,” he said. Now that he had started smiling, he couldn’t stop. He turned to his mom and Emma. “So, um, this is...this is Jeremy.”

Jeremy held out his hand, expecting a handshake, but Simon’s mom pulled him into a hug. “Oh,” he said, startled, but hugged her back hesitantly, as if he wasn’t quite used to it. She whispered something to him, something that Simon couldn’t quite hear but made Jeremy smile widely. Beside him, Simon felt Emma take his hand. 

_ I’ll be okay,  _ Simon realized. 

***

They didn’t get a moment alone, not really, until just before they left. Mr. Mazzu and Ms. Wolfe had sent them to go change, but they had separated from the others and snuck off to the deserted hallway between the band room and the art rooms. The moment that they were sure that they were the only ones there, Jeremy was kissing him, kissing him like he was oxygen and he had been suffocating. Simon reciprocated just as fiercely, his hands coming up around his waist.

“What was that for?” he asked when they finally separated.

Jeremy shrugged. “I just...I just really love you.”

Simon smiled at him. “I love you too,” he said. He touched their foreheads together, one of his hands coming around to the back of Jeremy’s neck. “So,” he said softly. Jeremy could feel his breath against his lips when he spoke. “My mom knows now.”

Jeremy nodded. “And you’re okay with that?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Simon said. “Yeah, I think I am.” His smile grew wider, almost blinding. “I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy in my entire life.”

Jeremy reached up, touching his face with his good hand. “Good,” he told him. “I like seeing you smile.” Simon blushed, and Jeremy leaned forwards, stealing another quick kiss. 

“I love you,” Simon said when they broke apart.

“You already said that,” Jeremy replied.

Simon shrugged. “I wanted to say it again,” he said.

Jeremy wasn’t sure how long they stood there, standing so close together that it almost felt like they were one person. He didn’t want to move away. He wanted to stay here forever in Simon’s arms. 

“When we look back thirty years from now, tonight will seem unbelievably beautiful,” Simon said under his breath. 

“I don’t know,” Jeremy said. “It already seems pretty beautiful to me.” He leaned in closer to Simon. “Just like you.”

Simon rolled his eyes, but the smile on his face killed the effect. “You’re so cheesy.”

“You love me,” said Jeremy.

Simon nodded. “Yeah,” he said softly. “I do.”

Jeremy smiled. “And so you should.”

Simon laughed slightly, shaking his head. When he kissed him it felt like Jeremy was burning up from the inside out. It almost hurt to break away, the sound of footsteps echoing down the hallway shattering the moment.

Jeremy expected it to be Mr. Mazzu, or Ms. Wolfe, or even Zach, trying to find him before he went home. But the man who he saw at the end of the hall was someone entirely different.

“Dad.” The word escaped his mouth before he had a chance to think about it. 

Richard looked shocked. “Jeremy,” he said. “I…”

Simon glanced over his shoulder, first looking startled at the sight of him, and then furious. “He told you to go,” he snapped. “So  _ go _ .”

“Simon,” Jeremy said. He gingerly put his hand on the other boy’s shoulder. “It’s okay.”

Simon seemed to melt at his touch. “Are you sure?” he asked.

Jeremy wasn’t. But he nodded anyway. “Just...stay here,” he said quietly. “Please. I’ll be right back.”

Simon looked hesitant. “Okay,” he said anyway. “If you need any help…”

“I’ll call for you.”

Simon bit his lip, but nodded, his hand coming up to cover Jeremy’s. “Okay,” he breathed. “Be careful.”

“I will.” He stepped back slowly, moving his hand away from Simon’s. He could still feel Simon’s eyes on him, seeming to burn holes through his back, as he walked towards Richard.

He stopped before he got too close, crossing his arms over his chest. Richard didn’t say a word, just stared at him. Jeremy couldn’t meet his eyes. “Why?” he asked.

He asked so many questions with that one word, but Richard only chose to answer one. He sighed, looking down at the floor. “I don’t know, Jeremy,” he said, his voice weak and tired. “Your mother - she didn’t have the best childhood. We never meant to have a child of our own, much less two children, but we were young and stupid and unprepared.”

Jeremy’s heart beat rapidly in his chest. “So you didn’t want me,” he said. “That’s your excuse.” He supposed that he always knew that it was true, yet it still hurt to say it out loud.

Richard shook his head, closing his eyes. “It’s an awful one, I know.” Another beat of silence. “I never laid a hand on you, Jeremy.”

“Yeah, maybe you didn’t,” said Jeremy, “but you never stopped her from hitting me. You didn’t even try to protect me until the very end, and that was only after I started doing something that you actually thought that you might care about.”

Richard swallowed. “I know. I just wanted...I just wanted you to be more than I was,” he said helplessly. “More than I  _ am _ . An unemployed alcoholic stuck living with his wife who he hasn’t loved in years.”

“There are a lot better ways of encouraging your child than making them feel like they’re worthless,” Jeremy replied. He didn’t snap it. He said it as thought it was a basic fact, because it  _ was _ . 

“You aren’t worthless, Jeremy,” Richard said. “Even if I didn’t see that before...I do now. You’re amazing up on that stage. It’s as if you belong there.”

Jeremy didn’t thank him. He couldn’t. “What do you even want, Richard?”

He almost seemed to flinch at the use of his first name. “I wanted to apologize,” he said. “You were right. It was abuse. All of it was, and we’re so sorry.”

“ _ We? _ ” asked Jeremy. “Where’s your wife, then?”

Richard bit his lip, not responding.

“Exactly.” Jeremy sighed, letting his arm fall to his side. “I...I can’t accept your apology. Not now, at least. Maybe in a few years, but….I don’t even know.” He looked up, meeting Richard’s eyes for the first time that night. “It’s the worst thing in the world, you know?” he said. “To feel like you’re unlovable, because if even the people who are  _ supposed  _ to love you don’t, then no one else will. And you made me feel that way for sixteen years. It took me sixteen years to realize that I was wrong, that I was worthy of being loved, that two people’s opinions of me don’t dictate everyone’s. And I can’t...I can’t just forgive you for that.”

Richard’s shoulders slumped, but he nodded. “I did love you, Jeremy.”

“Then you should have found a better way of showing it.” Jeremy looked over his shoulder to where Simon was waiting, his eyes wide as he watched the exchange. “I have to go,” he said. “I have someone waiting for me.”

Richard nodded. “That boy you were with on stage,” he said hesitantly. “Is he...are you together?” Jeremy didn’t respond, which seemed to be enough of an answer for him. “I’m glad,” Richard said. “You seem...happy with him. Jeremy, all I want for you is to be happy.”

“I think that I will be,” said Jeremy. He was surprised to realize that he meant it. “Goodbye, Richard.”

Richard sighed, looking as if he wanted to say a hundred more things. But he turned away, disappearing down the hallway. Jeremy watched him go, not managing to tear his eyes away until Richard turned the corner.

“Hey,” he heard someone say. He turned, seeing that Simon had come closer to him. At some point during the conversation Zach had found them, and he glanced down the hallway at where Richard had been standing. “Is everything alright?”

Jeremy stood up straighter, turning away from the hallway and facing the doors. His thoughts were racing, thinking about the past, about the future, about who he used to be and who he would become. But really, all that mattered was now. 

“I’ll be okay,” he said. “Let’s go home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> recommended listening: all you desire (rise cast version) - rise cast | make them gold - chvrches | gold - owl city | glorious (rise cast version) - rise cast | carry you - novo amor  
> talk to me on twitter @annileej and tumblr @glorioussimon!!


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